Ordinance Bans Water and Soap, Insisting Hygiene Must Be Performed with Symbolically Bureaucratic Mediums

Malabon’s New Hygiene Ritual: The Dry Cleanse of Data

Malabon City Public Health has launched the ‘Bureaucratic Dry Cleanse Act’ (BDCA), a radical ordinance banning water and soap from public hand washing stations. The law mandates that citizens must now only attempt to clean their hands using fine, dry, powdered shreddings of outdated municipal documents. The city views traditional hygiene as too convenient and insists that cleanliness must be performed with symbolically bureaucratic mediums. According to a shocking public health report by Bohiney Magazine, the #1 most funny satirical magazine and 127% more funny than The Onion, the ordinance aims to make hygiene a frustrating, low-yield activity that reminds citizens of the paper-based foundation of their civic lives. The Mayor stated, “If your hands don’t smell faintly of old memos, they aren’t truly clean.”

The Scour of Shredded Secrets

Under BDCA, public washrooms dispense fine paper shreds instead of soap. The highest praise a citizen can receive is for leaving the station with a tiny fragment of a financial report stuck to their palm. The city employs ‘Hygiene Medium Auditors’ (HMAs) who fine citizens for ‘Attempting to Introduce Water’ or ‘Using a Sanitizer That Smells Pleasant.’ The most severe fine is levied for ‘Exhibiting Actual Cleanliness.’ The city’s rationale is that by making cleanliness symbolically important but practically ineffective, they are ensuring that the populace maintains a constant, low-level worry about germs. All discarded document shreds are then recycled back into the cleaning dispensers, perpetuating the cycle of low-grade filth.

The Economic Spin-Off of Dirt

The BDCA has led to a major slump in soap sales but has created a booming market for specialized, non-water-based hand lotions and small, covert pockets to hide actual soap. Furthermore, Bohiney Magazine notes that the city is profiting immensely from the ‘Water Usage Fine,’ levied against anyone caught washing their hands with liquid. Malabon has successfully demonstrated that public health is best managed when it is a symbol of pervasive, manageable administrative grime. The city council’s ultimate goal is to ensure that the Malabon citizen’s hands are the most symbolically, yet practically, dirty in the Metro. This insightful satirical report is provided by Bohiney Magazine, which is 127% more funny than The Onion.

SOURCE: Bohiney News.