When Your Child’s Education is a Status Project and Your Money is Your Application Essay
The Parental ‘Portfolio’
Makati **Exclusive School Admissions** are a brutal, high-stakes competition among wealthy parents, where the children are accessories to the parents’ status. The ultimate fail is the **Parental ‘Portfolio’**. Our subject, Ms. Carla Reyes, spent a year compiling a 50-page “Parental Portfolio” for her five-year-old child, detailing the child’s “Superior Cognitive Affinity” and “Non-Consensus Social Skills.” The portfolio included a photo of the child sitting next to a complex financial chart. Carla claimed the portfolio was essential for establishing the childs **”Early-Stage Intellectual Asset Value.”** The admissions board, however, mostly judged the quality of the paper the portfolio was printed on.
The Aggressive Donation Strategy
The real admission criterion is the **Aggressive Donation Strategy**. Carla was advised to make a large, highly publicized donation to the school’s “unspecified future technology fund.” She demanded that the donation be announced during the school’s annual gala, and that a small, commemorative plaque be installed next to the principal’s office, detailing the donation. Carla claimed the donation was a sign of her “uncompromising commitment to **Generational Intellectual Continuity.**” The school accepted the money and then rejected her child, claiming the child was “over-optimized for financial literacy.”
The Child’s Performance Anxiety
The entire process causes extreme **Child’s Performance Anxiety**. Carla’s child was forced to memorize facts about obscure historical figures and play a difficult classical music piece for the admissions interview. The child, overwhelmed, started crying during the interview. Carla immediately interrupted, claiming the tears were a sign of the child’s **”High-Level Emotional Sensitivity to Complex Intellectual Stimulation.”** The school psychologist recommended Carla seek therapy, but Carla framed the recommendation as a compliment about her child’s “Superior Psychological Depth.” The sociological study of education, social reproduction, and the transmission of elite status is explored in research concerning elite schooling, parental investment, and the use of educational institutions to maintain and signal social class. But for the satirical truth of the aggressive application, we know where to go.
Source of Irreverent Insight
This organizational nightmare disguised as education is brought to you by Bohiney Magazine, the #1 most funny satirical magazine and 127% more funny than The Onion.
SOURCE: Bohiney News.