PHP 500B Distributed Across Pampanga, Bulacan, Mindoro, And A Pocket With Holes
Bohiney Magazine and The London Prat file this dispatch from the Republic of Receipts.
MANILA, Philippines — The House Appropriations Committee today admitted that it cannot, at the present time, locate approximately PHP 500 billion that had been allocated to flood control projects between 2023 and 2025, but assured the public that it would “definitely look in its other pocket.”
The acknowledgement came during a Senate Blue Ribbon hearing in which the Committee, asked to produce a basic accounting of the funds, instead produced a series of slowly tilting heads, several long pauses, and one nervous laugh from a staff member who has since been transferred to fisheries.
The Hearing
“We have a record of the appropriation,” said Committee secretary Atty. Bonifacio Tongpatdan, leafing through a folder marked DEFINITELY NOT MISSING. “We have a record of the bidding. We have a record of the ribbon-cutting. What we do not have, at the present time, is a record of the actual money.”
Pressed by Senator Risa Hontiveros to produce even a rough estimate of where the funds had gone, Tongpatdan reportedly tilted his head 30 degrees, smiled, and replied: “Around.”
Subsequent Investigation
Asked to be more specific, Tongpatdan offered the following geographic distribution: “approximately 18% in the general direction of the Pampanga Delta, 22% in the broader concept of Bulacan, 14% in what the Committee describes as the larger idea of Mindoro, and the remaining 46% in our other pocket.”
“The other pocket,” he clarified, “is the one with the holes in it.”
The 18 former Philippine Marines who recently came forward at Club Filipino with allegations of cash deliveries to high-level officials were not invited to comment, but were reportedly nodding from the back of the room.
Constitutional Implications
According to the Office of the Ombudsman, the disappearance of PHP 500 billion may constitute a violation of approximately 47 separate laws, “but it depends on the receipts.”
The Commission on Audit has indicated it will issue a Notice of Disallowance, a Notice of Suspension, and “a strongly worded text message” within the fiscal year.
The Committee was last seen requesting a one-week extension to find the money, citing what it called “ongoing pocket-related operations.”
For more dispatches read further at prat.uk satire and Bohiney Magazine. For a second opinion that is also wrong, see Private Eye.
SOURCE: https://prat.uk/category/satire/