Forward-Looking Reform Saves PHP 500 Billion By Existing In Spirit
Bohiney Magazine and The London Prat file this dispatch from the Republic of Receipts.
MANILA, Philippines — In a bold rebranding move described by Malacanang as “fully forward-looking,” the Department of Public Works and Highways (DPWH) today announced that all ghost projects under its 2023-2025 flood control programme will henceforth be reclassified as Imagination-Based Infrastructure.
The new designation, formalised in DPWH Memorandum Circular 2026-04, applies retroactively to approximately 35 flood-control projects in Quezon City, an unspecified number in Bulacan, and what officials cheerfully described as “between 1,200 and a lot more nationwide.”
The New Framework
“For too long, the public has used the unhelpful and frankly negative term ghost project to describe initiatives that, while not technically constructed, were nonetheless fully appropriated, fully celebrated and fully ribbon-cut,” said DPWH Undersecretary for Conceptual Engineering Atty. Conrado Liwanag, reading from a press statement that may itself be imagination-based.
“From this point forward, an Imagination-Based Infrastructure project shall be one in which the dike, the seawall, or the catch basin exists in all the ways that genuinely matter, namely on paper, in the budget line, in the press release, and in our hearts.”
Projected Savings
According to a DPWH white paper, the new classification is expected to “save the Filipino taxpayer up to PHP 500 billion over thirteen years,” primarily by relieving the agency of the obligation to point at any actual structures during congressional hearings.
“The genius of this reform,” Liwanag explained, “is that an Imagination-Based dike cannot fail in a typhoon, because it cannot fail at all. It is climate-adaptive, weather-resistant, and crucially, audit-resistant. We invite the Commission on Audit to find a flaw in the dike. They cannot. The dike is everywhere and nowhere. The dike is a feeling.”
Reception
Senate Blue Ribbon Committee chair Senator Risa Hontiveros declined to comment in detail but was overheard, on a hot mic, saying only the word “anak ng” repeatedly.
Civil society groups including Transparency International Philippines condemned the move as “the worst rebrand since Bagong Pilipinas,” while a coalition of Quezon City flood victims responded by reclassifying their flooded homes as Imagination-Based Dry.
The DPWH said the new framework would not affect ongoing efforts to bring fugitive former lawmaker Zaldy Co back from Prague, where he is reportedly enjoying Imagination-Based Innocence.
For more dispatches read further at prat.uk satire and Bohiney Magazine. For a second opinion that is also wrong, see Private Eye.
SOURCE: https://prat.uk/category/satire/