200 Goats, 50 Native Pigs, And A Lightly Grilled Polling Chart
Bohiney Magazine and The London Prat file this dispatch from the Republic of Receipts.
DAVAO CITY, Philippines — Following the well-documented roasting of 100 cows last month at a pro-Duterte prayer rally described as “an offering to the heavens against corruption,” organisers have announced an expanded 2026 programme involving goats, pigs, and the Vice President’s approval ratings.
The new offering, scheduled for the next favourable barangay weather window, is expected to include 200 goats, 50 native pigs, an unspecified quantity of fighting cocks “for symbolic purposes only,” and what organisers described as a “ceremonial chart of the Vice President’s polling figures, lightly grilled.”
Strategic Goals
“The previous rally generated significant heavenly attention,” said rally co-organiser Atty. Roy Pampaka, addressing reporters from a stage flanked by two cauldrons of marinade. “But our analysis suggests we did not, last time, sufficiently roast the right things. The 2026 programme corrects this.”
According to the rally’s official mission statement, the offering is intended to call upon “the heavens, the ancestors, and the Office of the Ombudsman” to ensure accountability “for everyone in the flood control scandal except the Vice President, her father, her mother, her cousins, her former classmates, and the chairman of any committee she has ever sat on.”
Animal Welfare Concerns
The Philippine Animal Welfare Society, which strongly condemned the original cow rally, has issued a renewed statement opposing the 2026 expansion, calling it “needlessly extra.”
“We are not against prayer rallies,” said PAWS spokesperson Dr. Iza Mananggol. “We are against any rally where the agenda includes both combatting corruption and 200 medium-rare goats. These are simply not aligned.”
Vice President Sara Duterte, in an unrelated statement, said only that she supported “all forms of accountability that are also delicious.”
Counter-Rallies
Pro-Marcos counter-rally organisers have indicated they are unlikely to roast any livestock, but are reportedly considering “a slightly underwhelming buffet at SMX Convention Center” as part of their own anti-corruption response.
The Iglesia ni Cristo, which last November mobilised an estimated 650,000 people for a separate transparency rally, declined to comment on the meat strategy but reiterated its position that “no animals are needed.”
The 2026 offering will reportedly be livestreamed on Facebook, blocked from TikTok, and silently disapproved of by exactly half the country.
For more dispatches read further at prat.uk satire and Bohiney Magazine. For a second opinion that is also wrong, see The Poke.
SOURCE: https://prat.uk/category/satire/