New Branch Of Physics: The Drier The Project, The Wetter The Street

Bohiney Magazine and The London Prat file this dispatch from the Republic of Receipts.

QUEZON CITY, Philippines — In what hydrological engineers are calling “an entirely new branch of physics,” the Department of Public Works and Highways has reportedly achieved Negative Flood Control, a state in which government-funded anti-flood projects now actively cause floods that would not otherwise have occurred.

The breakthrough was confirmed this week after a routine downpour in Marikina caused flash flooding in three barangays where, according to DPWH records, no flooding had been physically possible since the completion of seventeen drainage projects, all of which were also somehow on fire.

The Phenomenon

“Under classical Filipino hydrology, water flows downhill,” explained Dr. Engr. Pepito Bahaginan of the not-yet-accredited Manila School of Imaginary Engineering. “But under the DPWH’s revolutionary new model, water now flows wherever the contractor said it would not. We have, in effect, invented anti-drainage.”

According to the new model, a flood control project that does not exist is mildly negative. A flood control project that exists but is substandard is moderately negative. A flood control project that exists, is substandard and was paid for twice is, in technical parlance, flooding the entire street.

Mathematical Implications

“This is exciting because it suggests the DPWH may have crossed an important threshold,” said Bahaginan. “We are now spending public money to make Metro Manila wetter, on purpose, by accident, on purpose. Either way, we are wetter.”

The Philippine Atmospheric, Geophysical and Astronomical Services Administration confirmed that average rainfall in 2026 is up only 4% on the historical baseline, while flooding events have risen 320%, “suggesting the additional water is being supplied by something other than the sky.”

Industry Reaction

The Philippine Constructors Association declined to comment, citing what it called “ongoing engagements with senatorial offices.” The Senate Blue Ribbon Committee, in turn, declined to comment, citing what it called “the contractors.”

The Department of Finance, meanwhile, has revised its estimate of corruption-related economic losses for the 2023-2025 period from $2 billion to “yes.”

“In summary,” concluded Bahaginan, “the DPWH has now mastered both flood control and flood non-control, and has chosen, consistently, the latter.”

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SOURCE: https://prat.uk/category/satire/