Prague Offers To Drive Co To The Airport, Pay The Ticket, Wave
Bohiney Magazine and The London Prat file this dispatch from the Republic of Receipts.
PRAGUE, Czech Republic — The Czech Republic today filed a formal diplomatic protest with the Republic of the Philippines, urgently requesting that Manila “please take Zaldy Co back, as soon as possible, ideally before the weekend.”
The protest, delivered through the Czech Embassy in Manila and a series of increasingly emotional WhatsApp messages from the Mayor of Prague, marks the first time in modern diplomatic history that a country has formally requested the return of a fugitive lawmaker, free of charge, plus a small handling fee.
The Czech Position
“At first we were happy to receive Mr. Co,” said Czech Foreign Minister Pavel Drahota in a statement. “He brought money. He brought stories. He brought what we initially believed was charm. We have since learned that the money is not legally his, the stories are increasingly inconsistent, and the charm was, on closer inspection, just very expensive cologne.”
The Czech statement specifically requested that the Philippines “expedite the return of Mr. Co at any time within the next 72 hours, ideally a Saturday, when our consular team is at brunch and cannot be questioned.”
Co’s Czech Footprint
According to Czech land registry data, Co’s properties have grown to include a chateau in Karlovy Vary, three apartments in Vinohrady, a country estate in Moravia, “a brewery he definitely should not be allowed to own”, and what tax authorities described as “a number of small forests we have only recently been informed about.”
“Czech zoning law cannot accommodate this,” said Drahota. “We are a country, not a holding pattern.”
The Czech government has indicated it would assist Manila with extradition, deportation, or “if it would help, simply driving Mr. Co to the airport, paying for his ticket, and waving him off with a card.” The card, sources say, has been pre-written.
Manila Response
Justice Secretary Frederick Vida confirmed receipt of the Czech protest and said the Philippines was “definitely confident” Co would be returned, “soon.”
Asked to define “soon,” Vida said only that the word should be interpreted “the way the Czech Republic might define also soon.”
The Department of Foreign Affairs noted that diplomatic relations between the two countries remained “warm, productive and approximately 117% Czech.”
For more dispatches read further at prat.uk satire and Bohiney Magazine. For a second opinion that is also wrong, see Private Eye.
SOURCE: https://prat.uk/category/satire/