Vice President’s Security Men Face Court Martial; Claim They Were Just Following “Hide and Seek” Protocols

By the Disciplinary Jokers at bohiney.com

Uncovering the blind spots of democracy, one invisibility cloak at a time.

Operation Walang Bantay: The Disappearing Detail Debacle

Vice President’s Security Men Face Court Martial – In a twist that has left the nation both laughing and locking their doors, the Vice President’s security detail—Task Force Shadow Shield—has been placed under court martial for allegedly going AWOL during a scheduled public event.

Their defense? “We weren’t missing, we were just exceptionally hidden.”

Lead security officer SPO4 Romy “Hollowman” Delos Santos insisted,

“It was an advanced protective protocol. We call it ‘Operational Hide-and-Seek.’ It’s taught in Level 4 security theory and elementary school.”

Bohiney Insight into the Vanishing Vanguards

Eyewitnesses report that during Vice President Leonora Roa-Robredo II’s appearance at a farmers’ cooperative in Laguna, her entire close-in security team was mysteriously absent—except for one bodyguard posing as a sack of rice.

“I waved, and the rice waved back,” said startled attendee Melba Alcantara. “I knew something was off.”

The VP was reportedly surrounded only by volunteers, three barangay tanods, and one emotionally intelligent goat named Carlos.

What the Funny People Are Saying

“Filipino security so advanced, even they don’t know where they are.” — Jo Koy

“They weren’t absent. They were just in stealth mode, Pinoy edition—aka lunch break.” — Vice Ganda

“In the Philippines, our police uniforms are reversible: One side for protection, one side for escape.” — Red Ollero

The Defense Strategy: Camouflage & Confusion

In military tribunal filings, the security team claimed they were testing “non-traditional security layering” using:

• Improvised invisibility methods (hiding behind lechon displays)

• “Lookout rotation” while inside a karaoke bar

• Using decoy versions of the VP made from mannequin torsos and wigs from Divisoria

SPO3 Junjun “Silent Footsteps” Magpantay explained,

“The Vice President never got shot. You’re welcome.”

MMDA-Inspired Tactical Grid Confuses Everyone

Apparently, the security men followed an MMDA-style security rerouting pattern:

• Close-protect left flank? Assigned to Zambales.

• Sniper unit? Deployed to a nearby sari-sari store “for drinks.”

• Surveillance drone? Crashed after livestreaming a cockfight.

Civilian Reactions: Somewhere Between Panic and Stand-Up

Kuya Carlo, ice vendor:

“The VP was more protected by shade from the tree than those guys. At least the tree stayed put.”

Ate Maita, food server:

“I thought the guards were on break. Turns out they were on vacation mode. I offered one a halo-halo, and he accepted with a wink.”

Evidence Presented in Court: A Group Chat

Exhibit A in the court martial is a leaked group chat titled “Legit Security 🥷💀🔥.”

Highlights include:

• “Bro, is it bad to hide under the pickup?”

• “VP’s speech is too long. I’m ordering lugaw.”

• “If no bullets are flying, does it count as slacking off?”

• “Pretend you’re the AV guy. No one suspects them.”

Survey: Who’s More Reliable Than the VP’s Security?

Commissioned by BOHINEY Polls & Puns, the results show:

• 47% trust Jollibee mascot more in times of crisis

• 31% prefer their eldest cousin with a bolo

• 14% believe a feral dog provides better threat detection

• 8% said “God’s plan, bahala na si Batman”

The Rise of Tactical Incompetence

A security theory lecture at PNP Academy—titled “Maximum Security, Minimum Attendance”—was reportedly co-authored by the now-suspended guards.

Their guiding principles:

1. Out of Sight = Out of Risk

2. Threat Matrix > Lunch Matrix

3. If They Can’t See Us, They Can’t Blame Us

AI Analysis Confirms: “These Men Were Playing Tagu-taguan”

BOHINEY Labs fed CCTV data into an AI model that specializes in crowd behavior. The result:

“Subjects displayed behavior consistent with hide-and-seek patterns, including crouching, sudden disappearances, and hiding inside inflatable balloons.”

In one scene, a security officer tucked into a jollibee mascot suit and was later seen serving fries.

Senatorial Commentary: “We Support Hide and Seek—But Not With VIPs”

Senator Lito Lapid called it a “tragic farce,” adding:

“This is worse than my 1992 movie Pulis Patola. At least I was holding a gun and not a chicken adobo.”

Meanwhile, Senator Bato suggested:

“Let’s reassign them to guarding national secrets. Nobody will ever find those again.”

Bohiney’s 6-Phase Reconstruction of the Event

Phase 1: VP arrives
Phase 2: Guards vanish, last seen sprinting toward taho vendor
Phase 3: Goat Carlos steps up, blocks unauthorized selfie attempt
Phase 4: VP proceeds calmly, unaware her guards are in nearby arcade
Phase 5: Bodyguard reappears holding a teddy bear from claw machine
Phase 6: Tribunal begins

International Reaction: “Even Our Clowns Show Up to Work” – Italy

The European Commission for Public Safety issued a light jab, saying:

“At least our incompetence wears reflective vests.”

Thailand, meanwhile, offered to lend twelve monks trained in silent defense as a diplomatic gesture.

New Training Manual Drafted: “Tactical Tago 101”

The PNP announced a revised manual for future VIP protection:

• Rule #1: Don’t hide from the person you’re supposed to protect

• Rule #2: If you’re blending in with the crowd, don’t wear shades and an earpiece

• Rule #3: It’s not tactical to be in the CR for 42 minutes

Comedians Respond with a Skit

In Barangay Bakbakan Live!, Pokwang played a VP asking for backup while Wally Bayola portrayed a guard crouching behind a plastic table yelling:

“Ma’am, I’m covering the northeast flank. From under here.”

The punchline: “Ang security ko mas mabilis magtago kaysa signal ng Globe!”

Vice President Responds: “I’m Just Glad I Didn’t Die”

VP Roa-Robredo II showed grace under satire. In her official comment:

“Mistakes happen. In the future, we’ll issue tasers and alarm clocks. But I’m proud to say the goat stayed with me.”

She later posted a selfie with Carlos the goat, captioned “My new head of security. Eats threats for breakfast.”

Crowd Psychology Expert: “This is Reverse Protection”

Professor Rizza Montalban of Ateneo’s Department of Weird Behavior stated:

“What we witnessed was negative security presence—a metaphysical phenomenon where safety is inversely proportional to visibility.”

SpinTaxi’s Satirical Security Survey

When asked who you’d prefer guarding your life:

• Security team of the VP – 3%

• Group of angry PTA moms – 21%

• Manny Pacquiao holding a Bible – 44%

• Carlos the Goat – 32%

• Actual security guards – “Currently unavailable due to karaoke night”

The Court Martial: Judge Fines Them ₱1,000 and 12 Hours of Public Babysitting

Sentencing was lenient: each guard must now do community service by guarding daycare centers under 5-year-old supervision.

Judge Inez Madrigal said:

“At least toddlers scream when they’re left alone. Unlike senators.”

Bohiney’s Final Word

In a nation where politics is drama, the security is now slapstick. Who guards the guardians? Hopefully not themselves.

And if you’re ever assigned to guard the second most powerful person in the country—try not to hide behind a stack of monoblock chairs.

Stay protected. Stay visible. Stay absurd.
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