KoJC Compound Revealed as Maze of Secret Passages; Authorities Suspect It’s an Escape Room Gone Wrong

By the Spiritually Confused Correspondents at bohiney.com
Where prophecy meets parody in an air-conditioned bunker beneath Davao.

The Discovery: A Megachurch or a Giant IKEA?

In what began as a standard raid and ended in a theological obstacle course, authorities investigating the Kingdom of Jesus Christ (KoJC) compound in Davao discovered that the sprawling property was laced with a maze of secret passages, trap doors, and mysteriously labeled snack rooms.

“At first we thought we were chasing fugitives,” said Task Force Lead Captain Ramon Agaton. “Turns out, we were participating in the Southeast Asian semifinals of Escape Room: Apocalypse Edition.”

One officer reported being lost for six hours in a hallway labeled “Path to Salvation, Take a Left at the Laundry Room.”

Bohiney Insight: Holy Infrastructure, Batman!

Blueprints of the compound, released by whistleblowers, revealed:

• 8 subterranean prayer caverns

• 3 unmarked “VIP repentance zones”

• 1 rotating bookshelf that leads to a karaoke bar

• A baptistry filled with Yakult

• A tunnel marked “For Elijah Use Only”

Structural engineers are calling it “Vatican meets Hogwarts”, while feng shui experts described it as “emotionally hostile to feng.”

What the Funny People Are Saying

“It’s not a church. It’s a full-contact spiritual amusement park.” — Vice Ganda

“KoJC said ‘Follow the light,’ and it took us to a Ministop behind a false wall.” — Red Ollero

“Jesus walked on water. These guys walk through drywall.” — Jo Koy

Eyewitness: “I Went In for Prayer. I Came Out in Calinan.”

Disoriented follower Teresa Maliksi shared:

“I wanted to confess. They told me to follow the spiral stairs past the hallway of lamb paintings. Three hours later, I was outside a KTV bar.”

The Secret Rooms

Police catalogued the following classified areas:

• Room of Divine Broadcasting: Contained 12 microphones, 3 wigs, and a suspicious green screen of the Holy Land

• Hall of Ambiguity: All exits were labeled “EXIT,” but none opened

• Sanctum of Tactical Repentance: A room full of beanbags and vague apologies

• The Anointed Mini-Mall: Where you could buy rosaries, beef tapa, and a limited-edition KoJC action figure

The Escape Map: More Complicated Than MMDA Traffic Plans

BOHINEY analysts consulted urban planner Sir Benny Balot, who concluded:

“Whoever designed this layout is either a genius or clinically bored. There are loops inside loops. You walk east and exit from the ceiling.”

When asked how he escaped, he said:

“I prayed. Then I cried. Then a janitor took pity and showed me the shortcut behind a life-size statue of a laughing dove.”

The MMDA Responds: “We Respect the Complexity”

The MMDA posted:

“We are humbled by the design. We thought our EDSA rerouting was confusing—KoJC makes us look like amateurs.”

They later added KoJC to their “High-Risk Navigation Zones” list, just below Guadalupe and above Divisoria during a sale.

Theological Experts Split: Maze or Metaphor?

Dr. Felicity Banal of the Philippine Institute for Literal and Figurative Theology said:

“The compound’s labyrinth represents the journey of faith… or possibly the tax evasion route.”

Meanwhile, biblical architect Elias Alonzo argued:

“Noah built an ark. These people built a cross-shaped IKEA.”

The Trap Doors: “A Spiritual Roller Coaster”

Security video shows one follower being swallowed by the floor mid-hymn. His wife said:

“I thought it was the rapture. Turns out it was faulty plywood near the drum set.”

Another devotee accidentally activated a bookshelf mechanism and was launched into the Youth Purity Lounge.

What the Cops Found Inside

• One “Escape from Babylon” board game, unfinished

• 6 pairs of Yeezys tagged “Property of Prophet”

• 47 unopened crates labeled “Blessings (Confiscated)”

• A whiteboard with the phrase: “Divine Exit Strategy – TBD”

KoJC Leadership Speaks Out

Bishop “Jet” Magpantay, assistant to the Pastor, insisted:

“This is not an escape room. It’s a spiritual maze for inner cleansing. You don’t find the Lord immediately. You crawl through six air ducts and prove your faith.”

He then offered reporters a “faith map” in exchange for a ₱2,999 “premium tithing fee.”

Satirical Pilgrimage Tour Launched

Inspired by the discovery, the Davao Tourism Board now offers the KoJC Maze Challenge—a 5-hour guided tour where guests:

• Navigate repentance hallways

• Decode sermon-themed riddles

• Collect “Holy Tokens” to unlock the confessional

• Escape from Room of Revelation using only bottled water and guilt

Online Reviews Are In

TripAdvisor Review by @FaithWalker88:

“5 stars. I cried, prayed, and had a near-death experience in the Room of Revelation. Would recommend.”

@HolierThanThou23:

“Lost my husband in the prophecy labyrinth. Found inner peace instead.”

BOHINEY Poll: Is It Church or a Game Show?

We asked 1,000 Filipinos:

• 43% said “It’s a church with a really aggressive hide-and-seek policy”

• 22% said “It’s just Takeshi’s Castle with rosaries”

• 13% asked if they could book it for a debut

• 9% were still inside, unable to exit

• 13% believed it to be “heaven’s waiting room”

International Coverage: “The Vatican’s Jealous”

Italy’s La Repubblica called it “the most Catholicly absurd building since the Leaning Tower of Pisa.”
Meanwhile, Japan’s TV Asahi mistakenly aired KoJC security footage as part of their Game Master tournament.

Comedians Respond Live

Empoy Marquez:

“I tried to leave the bathroom. I came out on stage in front of 300 choir members. I had to sing.”

Pokwang:

“I brought snacks and a flashlight. You never know when spiritual reflection becomes spelunking.”

Jerald Napoles:

“Real talk. I’m still inside. Send help.”

Final Word from Bohiney.com

If salvation is a straight line, KoJC made it a squiggly doodle drawn by a blindfolded prophet with vertigo.

In the spiritual architecture Olympics, they take gold for “Most Holy and Confusing.”

Remember:

• If you find yourself trapped in a church, pray.

• If the ceiling opens and you hear trumpets, it’s probably just a trap door.

• And if someone offers to sell you the map to righteousness for ₱3,000… they work for facilities.

Stay safe. Stay found.
Visit bohiney.com for a clearer path to nonsense.