Dela Rosa Claims Security Detail Pulled; Now Relies on “Guard Dog” Named “Barky” for Protection
By the Canine Correspondents of bohiney.com
We sniff out the truth, mark our territory on the facts, and occasionally chase cars.
National Security Goes to the Dogs
Senator Ronald “Bato” Dela Rosa, known for his bulletproof demeanor and delicate lace of macho absurdity, announced on Monday that his official security detail has been “pulled without explanation,” forcing him to hire a personal guard dog named “Barky,” a 5-year-old aspin with trust issues and a biting record.
“I don’t need fancy PSG,” said Bato. “This dog knows kung sinong kaaway. Tumatahol siya sa komunista, sa fake news, at minsan, sa sarili kong reflection.”
Bohiney Insight: The Dog Days of Senate Security
Sources within the Senate confirmed the former PNP chief now enters sessions flanked not by trained officers, but by Barky in a pink vest labeled “K9-ish.”
“He’s loyal, loud, and doesn’t ask for hazard pay,” Dela Rosa added. “Unlike my last bodyguard who took a leave to become a vlogger.”
What the Funny People Are Saying
“When your dog is more alert than your Senate intelligence committee, it’s time to reevaluate things.” — Vice Ganda
“Only in the Philippines does your personal security detail also beg for leftover chicken bones.” — Jo Koy
“The last thing I want in a shootout is a dog that’s scared of fireworks.” — Red Ollero
Barky’s Resume: Tail Wagging, Fist Bumping, Bark Diplomacy
Barky’s impressive résumé includes:
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Chasing down 3 motorcycle-riding kids with balloons
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Barking at a suspected ghost in the Senate pantry
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Guarding the Senator’s tapsilog with intense loyalty
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Interrupting two press conferences with loud flatulence
Senate Reactions Mixed, But Entertained
Senator Imee Marcos:
“At least Barky’s not Chinese. That’s enough for now.”
Senator Risa Hontiveros:
“I just hope he’s vaccinated. Both Bato and the dog.”
Senator Zubiri:
“He barks at the budget hearings. We all do. But he means it.”
Barky’s Social Media Popularity Explodes
The official page “Barky: Bantay ng Bayan” already has:
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312,000 followers
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500 memes per hour
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A shirt line reading “Barky Hears Your Lies”
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A viral video where he barks every time “EDCA” is mentioned
Is This Legal?
BOHINEY’s legal team asked Professor Alvin Tayuman of UP Law:
“Technically, Barky cannot carry a firearm. But he can carry moral authority.”
When asked if a dog can protect a senator, Tayuman responded:
“Can a senator protect a dog? That’s the real question.”
Security Officials Respond: “He Was Never Unprotected… Just Unwatched”
The Office of Protective Services claims no formal recall order was issued.
Spokesperson Letlet Abella clarified:
“Bato may have misunderstood. We just assigned his escorts to ‘remote virtual standby mode,’ also known as ‘absent.’”
BOHINEY Poll: Who Would You Trust for Personal Protection?
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Barky the Dog – 34%
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The Holy Spirit – 20%
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Duterte’s Ghost – 10%
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The actual PSG – 7%
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A laminated photo of FPJ – 3%
Barky’s Training Includes YouTube and Threat Growling
Trained on a strict diet of hotdog bits and ABS-CBN reruns, Barky’s known triggers include:
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The word “insurgency”
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High-pitched senatorial laughter
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Any mention of Trillanes
His trainer, Mang Berting, says:
“He’s part dog, part teleprompter. He knows when Bato’s losing the crowd.”
Stand-Up Skit Emerges Overnight
Alex Calleja:
“When you’re a senator and your guard dog has more integrity than your voting record… that’s ruff.”
Empoy:
“Yung ibang senador may entourage. Si Bato may emotional support animal.”
Moymoy Palaboy:
“Kung may Barky si Bato, pwede ba kaming kumuha ng pusa para sa mga fake bills?”
Dela Rosa Plans “K9 for Congress” Bill
Bato is now proposing the K9 for Congress Act, requiring every senator to be assigned a rescue dog as part of official security.
Features of the bill include:
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₱5 million budget for “Treats and Tactical Training”
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Creation of “Senate Kennel Command” under AFP
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Monthly vet checkups and emotional grooming
Opposition leaders say it’s “just another bark for attention.”
The Dog Also Serves as a Lie Detector
In a heated debate over intelligence funds, Barky growled every time a senator claimed “transparency.”
“He barked 17 times,” noted SP Zubiri. “That’s a new Senate record.”
Barky’s Enemies: UPS Guy, Senatorial Flip-Floppers, and Balloons
In one incident, Barky lunged at a staffer carrying a birthday balloon, mistaking it for a Chinese surveillance device.
“He’s nationalistic,” said Dela Rosa. “He hates imported threats—and most cats.”
Psychology Experts Weigh In
Dr. Theresa Pawdilla, canine behaviorist:
“Barky is clearly overworked. He’s displaying symptoms of political fatigue, media aggression, and Senate boredom syndrome.”
Who Let the Dog In?
Surveillance footage showed Barky entering the Senate through the VIP elevator, tail held high, chewing a leaked copy of the SALN report.
What the Church Says
A priest was consulted to bless Barky, but declined, saying:
“This one’s already holier than half the chamber.”
Final Thoughts from Bohiney
In a Senate plagued with flip-flopping, fund leakage, and ghost projects, Barky stands alone—a barking beacon of loyalty, snacks, and growls.
Let’s face it: a dog’s bark is often more honest than a senator’s oath.
Long live Barky. Long live the bite.
Visit bohiney.com to adopt your own political watchdog.
