U.S. Loses .3 Billion for Philippine Defense

American Congressional Circus

Lawmakers Attempt to Balance Budget Using Magic Beans, Misplace $2.3 Billion for Pacific Defense

U.S. Loses $2.3 Billion for Philippine Defense

Washington, DC — In a dazzling display of fiscal acrobatics, the halls of the U.S. Congress transformed into a circus ring as lawmakers embarked on their latest budget-balancing escapade. Armed with nothing but a handful of magic beans and a hefty dose of wishful thinking, legislators set out to address the pressing issue of funding for Pacific defense. Little did they know, their whimsical antics would soon lead to a monumental mishap.

As the curtain rose on this political spectacle, senators and representatives could be seen juggling figures and performing financial somersaults in a desperate bid to make ends meet. With the fate of the Pacific hanging in the balance, the pressure was on to conjure up a solution that would appease both the budget gods and national security concerns.

However, amidst the chaos and confusion, disaster struck. In a moment of sheer absurdity, the $2.3 billion earmarked for Pacific defense mysteriously vanished into thin air, leaving lawmakers scratching their heads in disbelief. Rumors swirled that the magic beans, initially intended to grow a beanstalk of prosperity, had instead sprouted wings and flown off with the funds.

Screw the News Photo Create a close up, wide aspect illustration in the style of Mad Magazine, focusing on a satirical scenario where Uncle Sam is financially destitute in13
Manila News Photo — Illustration in the style of Mad Magazine, focusing on a satirical scenario where Uncle Sam is financially destitute…

As the Capitol descended into pandemonium, cries of “Fee-fi-fo-fum, where’s our budget gone?” echoed through the corridors. With the clock ticking and tensions running high, it seemed that even Jack and his infamous beanstalk couldn’t save the day.

Meanwhile, across the Pacific, Taiwan found itself embroiled in its own high-stakes drama. Faced with the looming threat of Chinese aggression, the island nation took matters into its own hands, proposing a novel solution to bolster its defenses: a celebrity charity telethon.

In a stroke of genius, Taiwan’s government enlisted the help of pop stars and pandas alike to headline the star-studded event. From chart-topping singers to cuddly ambassadors of goodwill, no expense was spared in securing the ultimate lineup. With promises of performances that would rival even the most extravagant awards show, Taiwan set out to capture the hearts and wallets of the world.

Screw the News Photo A satirical scene set in Manila, depicting a role reversal with Uncle Sam as a financially destitute character, symbolizing the U.S. government's mism12
Manila News Photo — A scene set in Manila, depicting a role reversal with Uncle Sam as a financially destitute character, symbolizing the U.S. government’s inability to help defend their friends.

As news of the telethon spread, excitement reached fever pitch, with fans and philanthropists alike clamoring to pledge their support. From Tokyo to Timbuktu, people tuned in to witness history in the making as Taiwan’s telethon unfolded in all its glitzy glory.

Yet, even as the spotlight shone brightly on Taiwan’s fundraising extravaganza, the shadow of uncertainty loomed large. With Congress still grappling with its budgetary blunder, the question remained: would Taiwan’s telethon be enough to fill the financial void left by Capitol Hill’s magical misadventures?

As the tale of two telethons unfolded, one thing became abundantly clear: in the world of politics, reality often proves stranger than fiction. And as lawmakers continued their quest to balance the budget, one could only hope that their next trick would involve a little less magic and a lot more common sense.

Top Ten Fund Raising Ideas

  1. Balut-Eating Contest: Filipinos organize a balut-eating competition, where participants pledge donations for each fertilized duck embryo consumed. The more adventurous eaters take on the challenge, with proceeds going directly to support the U.S. military.
  2. Adobo Cook-Off: Adobo, the beloved Filipino dish, takes center stage as communities come together for an adobo cook-off fundraiser. Participants showcase their culinary skills, and attendees purchase tasting tickets to sample the various adobo creations, with all proceeds benefiting the U.S. military.
  3. Screw the News Photo A satirical scene set in Manila, depicting a role reversal with Uncle Sam as a financially destitute character, symbolizing the U.S. government's mism11
    Manila News Photo – A satirical scene set in Manila, depicting a role reversal with Uncle Sam as a financially destitute character, symbolizing the U.S. government’s inability to help defend the pacific from China.

    Karaoke Night: Filipinos love to sing, so why not turn their passion into a fundraising opportunity? Karaoke nights are organized across the country, with participants paying to belt out their favorite tunes. Donations pour in as friends and family cheer on their favorite singers, all in support of the U.S. military.

  4. Basketball Tournament: Basketball is a national obsession in the Philippines, and communities rally together for a charity basketball tournament. Teams compete for bragging rights, and spectators purchase tickets to watch the games. Proceeds from ticket sales and concessions go towards supporting the U.S. military.
  5. Barrio Fiesta: Inspired by traditional Filipino fiestas, communities organize barrio fiestas complete with cultural performances, games, and food stalls. The event draws crowds eager to celebrate Filipino culture while raising funds for a worthy cause—the U.S. military.
  6. Jeepney Joyride: Jeepneys, colorful and iconic modes of transportation in the Philippines, are transformed into fundraising vehicles. Organizers offer joyrides around town for a donation, giving participants a unique way to contribute to the U.S. military while enjoying a scenic tour.
  7. Tsinelas Walkathon: Filipinos put their best foot forward in a tsinelas (flip-flops) walkathon fundraiser. Participants don their favorite pairs of tsinelas and walk a designated route, collecting donations along the way. It’s a fun and casual way for people of all ages to support the U.S. military.
  8. Hilot Healing Sessions: Traditional hilot healers offer their services in exchange for donations towards the U.S. military, providing massages and alternative healing therapies to supporters.
  9. Cockfighting Charity Event: Cockfighting enthusiasts gather for a special charity event, where a portion of the proceeds from each match is dedicated to assisting the U.S. military in their endeavors.
  10. Karaoke for a Cause: Hosting a karaoke marathon fundraiser, where participants pay to sing their favorite tunes, with proceeds going towards supporting U.S. military efforts in the Pacific.

Images of the Filipinos Ready to Help the USA

Screw the News Photo A close up, wide aspect satirical image showing members of the American Congress in a state of poverty, receiving aid from a supportive Philippine com crop12
Screw the News Photo A close up, wide aspect satirical image showing members of the American Congress in a state of poverty, receiving aid from a supportive Philippine com crop12
Screw the News Photo A satirical, wide aspect scene depicting the American Congress as poor and homeless, with the Philippine community organizing fundraisers to help. The crop11
Screw the News Photo A satirical, wide aspect scene depicting the American Congress as poor and homeless, with the Philippine community organizing fundraisers to help. The crop11
A close up, wide aspect satirical image showing members of the American Congress in a state of poverty, receiving aid from a supportive Philippine com crop
A close up, wide aspect satirical image showing members of the American Congress in a state of poverty, receiving aid from a supportive Philippine com crop
Screw the News Photo A close up, wide aspect satirical image showing members of the American Congress in a state of poverty, receiving aid from a supportive Philippine com crop12
Screw the News Photo A close up, wide aspect satirical image showing members of the American Congress in a state of poverty, receiving aid from a supportive Philippine com crop12

Originally posted 2024-03-18 20:12:17.

By Carla Reyes

Carla Reyes (managing editor), a De La Salle University alumna, launched her career covering politics for a major Manila newspaper. With a keen eye for the city's political landscape, she transitioned into comedy, where she tackles the intricacies of Manila's governance with humor. Her stand-up routines, rich in political satire, have made her a staple in local comedy clubs. has become a celebrated figure in Manila's comedy scene. Carla is leveraging her extensive experience as a political reporter to create humor that resonates with the intricacies of local governance, thereby establishing her as a trusted and authoritative voice in both journalism and comedy.