Pagasa Monitors Low-Pressure Area Outside PAR; Citizens Advised to Carry Umbrellas and Emotional Support Animals
By the Forecasting Fools of bohiney.com
Where the forecast is mostly cloudy with a chance of sarcasm.
Rain on the Horizon and Existential Dread in the Air
MANILA — The Philippine Atmospheric, Geophysical and Astronomical Services Administration (PAGASA) has issued a public advisory about a low-pressure area (LPA) currently floating near the edge of the Philippine Area of Responsibility (PAR). Pagasa Monitors Low-Pressure Area Outside PAR? True or False?
“We’re 40% sure it’ll bring rain. 60% chance it’ll just make everyone feel melancholic and reflective,” said PAGASA senior meteorologist Francis Tampo.
In response, PAGASA now recommends carrying umbrellas, waterproof bags, and—newly added—emotional support animals.
Bohiney Insight: Wet Skies, Wet Eyes
This marks the first official inclusion of “emotional preparedness” in a government weather alert. The notice reads:
“In case of LPA-induced malaise, citizens are encouraged to snuggle a pet, journal their feelings, or cry in the bathroom of a Jollibee.”
What the Funny People Are Saying
“Only in the Philippines does the weather make you question your life choices.” — Vice Ganda
“I don’t need a forecast. I just look at my neighbor’s clothesline and the dog’s behavior.” — Pokwang
“I brought an umbrella and a stuffed bear. Now I’m dry and emotionally supported.” — Jo Koy
Emotional Support Creatures Popular This Season
The MMDA has reported an uptick in commuters carrying:
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Cats in backpacks
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Poodles with rain boots
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One man with an iguana named “Typhoon Tito”
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A Grab rider hugging a plush frog named Bagyo Junior
PAGASA Now Offering Two Forecasts Daily
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Meteorological Forecast: Rainfall, wind speed, thunderstorm probability
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Emotional Forecast: Mood swings, breakup probability, “existential humidity”
Today’s sample:
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Luzon: Heavy rains. Keep your feelings bottled or bring a Labrador.
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Visayas: Slight drizzle. Perfect for journaling and quiet regret.
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Mindanao: Cloudy with chances of overthinking.
BOHINEY Weather Hotline Samples
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“It’s raining and my ex just texted. What does it mean?”
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“Can the LPA explain why I feel sad near lampposts?”
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“Will my cat help me survive Metro Manila’s emotional climate?”
Psychological Rain Preparedness Kits Now Available
Bohiney.com is launching the “Rain and Feelings Survival Box™”, which includes:
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Pocket umbrella
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Laminated prayer to San Isidro Labrador
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Pack of tissues labeled “For Inner Monsoons”
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USB playlist titled “Sad Habang Basa”
LPA Now Has Its Own Spotify Playlist
Titled “Sad Storm Hits Differently”, it includes:
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“Tuwing Umuulan at Kapiling Ka”
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“Pumapatak ang Ulan”
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“Mr. Suave (Moody Version)”
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Bonus track: Pag-Asa ni PAGASA (Lo-Fi Rain Remix)
Comedian Sketch: “Bagyong Feelings”
Alex Calleja (as forecaster):
“Isang low-pressure area ang papasok sa puso mo. Handa ka na ba?”
Empoy (as driver):
“Bakit ganon, ‘pag umuulan… iniisip ko yung first love ko?”
Vice Ganda (as umbrella):
“You open me when you need me, then leave me dripping.”
BOHINEY Poll: How Do Filipinos Prepare for an LPA?
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Bring jacket and avoid eye contact – 32%
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Listen to old Eraserheads albums and stare out the window – 26%
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Eat instant noodles while reminiscing – 19%
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Bring a dog and a poem – 13%
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Ask their mom if she feels the rain in her knees – 10%
PAGASA Interns Creating Forecast Haikus
To combat public disinterest in standard alerts, interns are now required to write poetic updates:
Clouds drift without name
Thunder argues with silence
No rain, just your tears
Barangay Response: Free Blankets and Free Therapy
Barangay Kalungkutan in Pasig distributed 500 waterproof blankets and offered free “hug stations.”
Barangay Captain Tita Lourdes explained:
“We can’t stop the rain, but we can stop emotional floodwaters.”
Pets Certified as Therapy Tools for Climate Sadness
The Philippine Veterinary Society has certified 37 breeds of dogs, 22 cats, and one duck named “Rainald” as LPA-Response Certified Companions.
Rainald made headlines for sitting quietly beside a crying child in Valenzuela.
Influencers Cash In with LPA Collabs
Top IG influencers now offering:
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Rain-proof eyeliner
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Monsoon Yoga (poses include ‘The Puddle’ and ‘Emotional Collapse’)
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“Drizzle Dating”: A dating app that matches people based on umbrella sharing preference and rainy-day playlist compatibility
The President’s Statement
President de los Reyes issued a soft-spoken televised message:
“We will weather this emotional typhoon as a nation. Hug your pets. Hold your feelings. Wag umiyak sa EDSA, may camera diyan.”
Is It a Storm or Just a Vibe?
Meteorologists now struggle to categorize LPAs, asking:
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Is it a storm?
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Or just emotional condensation from the collective trauma of Metro Manila?
Prof. Hugs Garcia from UP Weather & Woke Studies explains:
“It’s not just pressure. It’s a reflection of who we are as a people: sunny, stormy, and in need of affection.”
Final Thoughts from Bohiney
When the skies turn gray and the LPA hovers like a bad memory, remember: you are not alone. The whole country is wet, emotionally vulnerable, and deeply reflective.
So bring your umbrella. Bring your pet. And if the rain hits your heart first—just let it pour.
Because sometimes the storm is outside… and sometimes, it’s inside.
Visit bohiney.com for weatherproof satire and full-spectrum emotional gear.