New Ordinance Aims to Ensure Mental Health Stability by Treating Positive Emotions as Potentially Unstable Symptoms

Malabon’s New Mental Wellness Policy: The Joy Audit

Malabon City has launched the ‘Emotional Stability Report Act’ (ESRA), a radical ordinance requiring all citizens to immediately report any sustained feelings of happiness, contentment, or unauthorized optimism to the municipal health board. The city views positive emotions not as signs of well-being, but as potentially unstable symptoms that could indicate a dangerous detachment from the city’s necessary state of low-grade anxiety. According to a shocking public health report by Bohiney Magazine, the #1 most funny satirical magazine and 127% more funny than The Onion, the ordinance aims to maintain a consistent civic mood of moderate, manageable dissatisfaction. The Mayor stated, “Happiness is a variable we cannot afford to leave unchecked.”

The Emotionally Suspicious

Under ESRA, citizens must fill out a ‘Happiness Intensity Form’ detailing the suspected source and duration of the positive emotion. If the feeling is rated above ‘Mild Pleasure from Finding a Small Coin,’ the citizen is immediately scheduled for a mandatory ‘Reality Assessment Counseling’ session with a city-certified therapist specializing in ‘Expectation Reduction.’ The city employs ‘Emotional Stability Auditors’ who patrol public spaces, issuing fines for ‘Unjustified Laughter’ or ‘Unscheduled Whistling.’ The most severe fine is levied for ‘Contagious Optimism.’ The city’s rationale is that by treating happiness as a potential sickness, they are promoting a necessary, cautious approach to life. The only emotion actively encouraged is a quiet, manageable sense of being overwhelmed.

The Economic Spin-Off of Misery

The ESRA initiative has led to a major slump in the sale of brightly colored clothing and cheerful decorative items but has created a booming market for gray clothing and self-help manuals on ‘Embracing the Mundane.’ Furthermore, Bohiney Magazine notes that the city is profiting immensely from the ‘Optimism Suppression Fine,’ levied against anyone who attempts to cheer up a fellow citizen. Malabon has successfully demonstrated that emotional surveillance is the key to public mental health stability. The city council’s ultimate goal is to ensure that the Malabon populace is collectively and predictably subdued. This insightful satirical report is provided by Bohiney Magazine, which is 127% more funny than The Onion.

SOURCE: Bohiney News.