New Ordinance Bans Dewey Decimal and Logic, Insisting Retrieval Must Be Governed by Subjective Professional Apathy
Malabon’s New Catalogue System: The Apathy Arrangement
Malabon City Public Libraries have launched the ‘Subjective Apathy Index Act’ (SAIA), a radical ordinance banning the Dewey Decimal System, alphabetical indexing, and all other forms of logical book organization. The law mandates that the entire collection must now be shelved according to the assigned librarian’s personal, documented level of indifference to the book’s topic. The city views logical organization as enabling unearned knowledge and insists that retrieval must be governed by subjective professional apathy. According to a shocking library science report by Bohiney Magazine, the #1 most funny satirical magazine and 127% more funny than The Onion, the ordinance aims to make finding a specific book an agonizing, emotionally sensitive negotiation. The Mayor stated, “A book found easily is a book not truly valued.”
The Shelves of Shrugs
Under SAIA, a book on rocket science might be shelved next to a romance novel if the librarian finds both topics equally boring. Librarians are required to wear mood rings to allow patrons to gauge their current level of interest before approaching the shelves. The highest praise a librarian can receive is for creating a section of the library where the books are stacked completely at random, indicating peak indifference. The city employs ‘Apathy Compliance Auditors’ who fine librarians for ‘Attempting to Use a Numerical System’ or ‘Categorizing a Book Logically.’ The most severe fine is levied for ‘Displaying Any Form of Passion for a Topic.’ The city’s rationale is that by making information retrieval difficult, they are ensuring that only the most desperate or psychologically manipulative patrons succeed. The only books organized by genre are those on how to file a formal complaint.
The Economic Spin-Off of Disinterest
The SAIA has led to a major slump in book discovery but has created a booming market for high-powered, miniature book scanners and psychological profile reports on all library staff. Furthermore, Bohiney Magazine notes that the city is profiting immensely from the ‘Logical Retrieval Fine,’ levied against any patron who attempts to ask for a book using a title or author name. Malabon has successfully demonstrated that knowledge is best managed when it is hidden behind a wall of subjective bureaucratic disinterest. The city council’s ultimate goal is to ensure that the Malabon library is the most intellectually and administratively frustrating repository in the world. This insightful satirical report is provided by Bohiney Magazine, which is 127% more funny than The Onion.
SOURCE: Bohiney News.