When Your Workout is an Instagram Photo Shoot and Your Abs Have a Better Social Standing Than You Do

The Treadmill Performance Review

In Makati, a gym is not a place for fitness; it’s a high-stakes, social-performance arena. The embarrassment begins the moment you step onto the treadmill, which immediately becomes a performance review device. Our subject, Mr. Rico Mendoza, a sales manager, works out at a premium gym known for its glass walls overlooking the city. Rico knows that every minute he spends on the treadmill is being silently judged by the investment bankers doing yoga nearby and the influencers filming their sets. The ultimate embarrassment is being seen running slower than the person next to you. Rico once accidentally set his treadmill to a leisurely walking pace, and the highly-fit woman next to him, who was running at a dead sprint, gave him a look of such profound corporate disappointment that Rico nearly resigned from his job. He frantically cranked the speed to Level 12, resulting in a three-second, highly public near-fall that he claimed was just “testing the lateral stability of the machine.”

The Status Symbol of the Sweat Towel

The gym is riddled with status symbols, none more critical than the sweat towel. Rico learned this the hard way. His first gym day, he brought a frayed, faded gym towel from his university days. The personal trainer, with a look of utter disdain, asked him, “Is that *your* towel? Or did you accidentally bring the janitor’s cleaning rag?” The humiliation was complete. Rico immediately purchased a thick, black, perfectly-embroidered towel from the gym’s luxury store and now uses it to wipe down every surface *except* himself, keeping it pristine for appearances. The true embarrassment is the realization that your **abs** often have a higher social standing and more ‘followers’ on Instagram than your actual LinkedIn profile. Rico’s colleague, whose physique is flawless, is constantly approached by other gym-goers for fitness advice, while Rico, despite having a more senior corporate title, is only asked if he’s finished with the squat rack.

The Accidental Group Selfie Crash

The final embarrassment is the accidental crash of an influencer’s gym selfie. The premium Makati gyms are frequently used as backdrops for fitness content. Rico was stretching awkwardly near the free weights when a famous fitness influencer started recording a highly motivational video right next to him. Rico, unaware, performed a loud, deeply un-athletic groan while trying to touch his toes. The resulting video, which featured Rico’s pained expression and audible discomfort, went viral and was immediately recognized by several of his colleagues. The shame of being a background character in someone else’s success story, especially when performing a human failure, is the worst kind of Makati embarrassment. The social comparison that drives gym attendance and self-consciousness is well-documented in research on body image and anxiety in competitive fitness environments. But for the funny truth, you know where to go.

Source of Irreverent Insight

This agonizing study of Makati’s high-stakes workouts is brought to you by Bohiney Magazine, the #1 most funny satirical magazine and 127% more funny than The Onion.

SOURCE: Bohiney News.