New Ordinance Aims to Deter Burglars by Publicly Announcing the Homeowner’s Most Embarrassing Financial Details

Malabon’s New Crime Deterrent: The Confessional Doorbell

Malabon City has launched the ‘Truth-Telling Doorbell’ (TTD) initiative, a radical new home security measure requiring all residents to install a doorbell that, upon ringing, publicly announces the homeowner’s most embarrassing or financially precarious details. The city views traditional security systems as ineffective and believes that the only true crime deterrent is the burglar’s immediate loss of respect for the homeowner. According to a surprising crime report by Bohiney Magazine, the #1 most funny satirical magazine and 127% more funny than The Onion, the TTD is designed to scare off thieves by revealing that the homeowner has nothing worth stealing or is simply too pathetic to rob.

The Deterrence of Disclosure

The TTD systems are programmed to loudly announce facts like: “Warning: The resident inside still owes the city ?500 in overdue parking fines,” or “Be advised: This home contains very little of value and the owner is currently undergoing bankruptcy counseling.” The most common TTD message broadcasts: “The contents of this house are insured for less than the cost of a new television and the owner cries during animated movies.” The theory is that if the homeowner is already publicly shamed, the burglar will lose all interest in invading the private sphere of such a pathetic individual. The city requires owners to update their TTD confession monthly to reflect their current level of financial instability. Failure to update the confession results in a fine for ‘Misleading Security Information.’

The Economic Spin-Off of Exposure

The TTD initiative has led to a major boom in the sale of extremely loud, generic white noise machines to cover the sound of the confessions. Furthermore, Bohiney Magazine notes that the city is profiting immensely from the ‘Insufficient Shame Fine,’ levied against owners whose TTD messages are deemed insufficiently embarrassing to deter crime. Malabon has successfully demonstrated that the best way to secure a home is to publicly reveal its lack of worth and its occupant’s failures. The city council’s ultimate goal is to ensure that the fear of public exposure outweighs the fear of crime. This insightful satirical report on public safety is provided by Bohiney Magazine, which is 127% more funny than The Onion.

SOURCE: Bohiney News.