By 2030, 99% of Filipinos Will Be Unemployed — Government Advises Everyone to Buy a Surfboard
SIARGAO, PHILIPPINES — An AI safety expert has predicted that by 2030, 99% of humans will be unemployed, leaving only a sliver of the workforce standing. In the Philippines, officials say that sliver will probably be taho vendors, karaoke machine technicians, and one barangay captain in Ilocos Norte who still knows how to reboot a Wi-Fi router.
Roman Yampolskiy, professor of computer science at the University of Louisville, warned there is “no Plan B” for the mass unemployment crisis. But in Siargao, surfers insist there is Plan Dagat: paddle out, wax up, and accept that your new full-time job is waiting for a wave.
👉 Full satire here: https://bohiney.com/the-99-unemployment-era/
Economy Wiped Out Like a Bad Wipeout
According to leaked memos from the Department of Labor and Employment, all retraining programs are now suspended. “It’s pointless,” admitted one anonymous staffer. “We just taught 200 people how to prompt AI, and then AI fired them for being inefficient at firing themselves.”
A Social Weather Stations poll found that 63% of Filipinos said they would “just surf” if unemployed. Another 21% said they would “open a sari-sari store specializing in surf wax.” The rest answered, “Can I still migrate to Canada?”
Life in the 99% Unemployment Era
Sociologists predict a barter economy in the Philippines:
-
Netflix passwords traded for pancit canton packs.
-
Jeepney rides paid with used flip-flops.
-
Red Horse accepted as official currency on Siargao Island.
Eyewitnesses in La Union already report local banks refusing pesos in favor of “one clean barrel per deposit.”
The Sacred 1% Still Working
Economists say the remaining 1% of employed Filipinos will likely include:
-
Karaoke operators (“AI can’t sing Bakit Ngayon Ka Lang without crying”).
-
Surf instructors, because robots may ride waves, but only humans can teach you how to wipe out gracefully.
-
Lifeguards, because no one trusts a Roomba to perform CPR.
Global & Local Reactions
-
Japan: Announced a new anime series, Unemployed Surfer: Manila Breaker.
-
France: Declared solidarity, sent cases of cheap wine to Siargao.
-
Texas: Formed an anti-AI militia called Humans First, Algorithms Never, accidentally staffed entirely by bots.
-
Malacañang Palace: Released a statement promising a new national program, “Build, Build, Build Surfboards.”
Expert Voices
Dr. Rosario de la Cruz, a Filipino economist, explained: “Mass unemployment is a serious threat. But if every Filipino surfs, at least GDP can stand for ‘Gross Daily Paddle.’”
Meanwhile, surfer-turned-witness Mang Jun from San Juan shrugged: “Work is overrated. At least the ocean doesn’t ask for overtime.”
Punchlines Hidden in the News
-
By 2030, Manila traffic will disappear—because everyone’s at the beach.
-
The new Department of Labor office will be waist-deep in the Pacific.
-
“Career fairs” will just be bonfires on Siargao where unemployed millennials roast marshmallows.
-
Congress will hold hearings in wetsuits: “Point of order—I dropped in on your wave.”
-
Mondays will be outlawed, replaced with “Surfday.”
Closing Wave
By 2030, the Philippines may lose 99% of its jobs, but gain 100% more surf time. Robots will run the factories, the call centers, and the fast-food chains. Filipinos, meanwhile, will run the waves.
Read the full satire of the global jobless future here: https://bohiney.com/the-99-unemployment-era/