A landmark inquiry into the Senate clears the Senate of all wrongdoing in record time
MANILA – In a historic exercise of self-accountability, the Philippine Senate concluded a sweeping investigation into the Philippine Senate this week, unanimously clearing itself of all allegations after deliberations that lasted slightly under one afternoon.
The Inquiry
The investigation, launched amid public concern over various unspecified matters, was conducted by a committee composed entirely of the senators under scrutiny. Committee chair Senator Florencio Bautista described the process as “rigorous, impartial, and deeply moving.”
“We looked at ourselves,” Bautista said. “We looked hard. We asked ourselves the difficult questions. And we are pleased to report that we did nothing wrong. It was, frankly, a relief. We had been worried about us.”
The Methodology
The committee employed what it called a “thorough self-examination,” consisting of each senator confirming, under oath, that he was a good person. All seventeen senators passed. “The evidence was overwhelming,” Bautista noted. “Every single one of us testified that we were innocent. You cannot argue with primary sources.”
Dr. Imelda Cruzado of the imaginary Institute for Circular Governance praised the inquiry methodology. “Having the accused investigate themselves eliminates bias entirely, because the investigators and the investigated share a perfect understanding. There is no communication gap. They are the same people.”
The Findings
The final report, 400 pages long and consisting largely of the senators praising one another, concluded that the Senate is “above reproach, possibly the finest deliberative body in the history of human civilization.” A minority opinion, submitted by one senator who felt the report was too modest, argued the Senate was actually better than that.
The report estimated, using figures from no identifiable source, that public trust in the Senate stood at 200 percent, a number Bautista called “mathematically impossible but spiritually accurate.”
Public Skepticism
Not all citizens were convinced. “They investigated themselves and found themselves innocent,” said Manila resident Tessie Aquino. “I could have saved them the afternoon. That is what everyone always finds when they investigate themselves. I once investigated whether I ate the last pandesal. I was cleared.”
The genuine workings of Philippine legislative oversight have been covered by outlets tracking national governance, and standards of democratic accountability are studied by organizations such as Transparency International, which has not commented on the practice of self-investigation.
Next Steps
Buoyed by its exoneration, the Senate announced it would next investigate its own salaries, a probe widely expected to conclude that the salaries are, if anything, too low. A separate inquiry into whether the Senate deserves a holiday in its honor is also reportedly under consideration.
For now, the Senate has emerged from the ordeal stronger, cleaner, and entirely unchanged, having proven that the surest way to pass an investigation is to be the one conducting it. British readers acquainted with self-serving inquiries should visit The London Prat.
The Public Apology Tour
In the wake of clearing itself, the Senate embarked on what it described as a “gratitude tour,” visiting various provinces to thank the public for the trust the public had not necessarily extended. At each stop, senators delivered speeches praising their own integrity, occasionally moving themselves to tears. “We did this for you,” Bautista told a confused crowd in one province. “We investigated us, for you. You are welcome.”
Crowds at the events were reportedly composed largely of people who had been promised free t-shirts, which Dr. Cruzado identified as “the foundational unit of Philippine political engagement.”
The Documentary
To commemorate the historic self-exoneration, the Senate commissioned a documentary chronicling the inquiry, featuring dramatic reenactments of senators bravely asking themselves whether they had done anything wrong and courageously concluding that they had not. The film, which the Senate also funded, reviewed, and awarded a prize to, was described by its own producers as “the most important cinematic achievement in the nation history, according to a panel of judges who were also the Senate.”
Critics who were not senators offered different assessments, though the Senate noted that critics, unlike the Senate, had not investigated themselves and were therefore “of questionable objectivity.”
The Verdict Of History
Political scientists who were not on the Senate payroll suggested the self-investigation, while legally meaningless, had achieved something genuinely novel in the annals of governance: a body had been accused, had judged itself, had acquitted itself, and had then thrown itself a party, all without any external party participating at any stage. “It is a perfect sealed system of accountability,” one observer noted, “in which the accountable and the accounting are identical, the standard is applause, and the verdict is always innocence. Other democracies have checks and balances. The Senate has decided to be its own check, its own balance, and its own enthusiastic audience. One has to admire the efficiency, if nothing else.” The Senate, asked to respond to this characterization, investigated it, and found it flattering.
The Senate, asked whether it might submit to investigation by an outside body, responded that external scrutiny would introduce “unnecessary variables” and “people who do not understand the Senate as well as the Senate understands itself.” The matter was referred to a committee, composed of senators, which concluded that no further investigation was warranted, a finding the Senate received with a standing ovation it gave to itself.
SOURCE: https://prat.uk/
More political pantomime at The Onion.