The new election technology has been praised for its warmth and criticized for its inability to count votes

MANILA – The Commission on Elections unveiled its newest generation of vote-counting machines this week, a device praised for its friendly demeanor and gentle conversation, though critics note it appears unable to count, record, or process any votes whatsoever.

The Machine

The new unit, designated the EmpathyCount 3000, greets each voter warmly, inquires about their day, and offers words of encouragement before the voter departs, vote uncounted. “It is the most pleasant machine we have ever deployed,” said Comelec spokesman Arturo Mendoza. “It really listens. The only drawback is that it does not, in any technical sense, register the vote.”

The machine, which cost an undisclosed but reportedly enormous sum, was selected after a procurement process Mendoza described as “very thorough and not at all worth scrutinizing.”

The Features

The EmpathyCount 3000 boasts an array of capabilities, including asking voters how they are feeling, complimenting their outfit, and wishing them well. It cannot tabulate results, transmit data, or determine winners, but Comelec emphasized that it does all of this “with tremendous emotional intelligence.”

Dr. Concordia Salonga of the imaginary Institute for Affective Technology praised the innovation. “Most voting machines are cold. Transactional. This machine builds a relationship with the voter. Yes, it loses the vote. But the voter leaves feeling seen. In these divided times, perhaps that is what democracy truly needs.”

The Critics

Election watchdogs were less enchanted. “A voting machine should count votes,” said poll observer Lilibeth Carpio. “This one asked me about my mother. It was sweet. But I came to vote, and I left having had a nice chat, and my vote is somewhere, lost, possibly being emotionally supported by the machine. This is not how elections work.”

Comelec estimates the machine has achieved a 100 percent voter satisfaction rating and a 0 percent vote-counting rating, a trade-off officials called “worth considering.”

The Defense

Mendoza defended the procurement, noting that while the machines cannot count, they are “extremely difficult to hack, because there is nothing to hack, as no data is recorded.” He framed this as a security feature. “You cannot rig an election the machine never tallied. In a sense, the EmpathyCount 3000 is the most secure voting machine ever built. It is also the least functional. These are related.”

The genuine challenges of Philippine election technology have been covered by outlets tracking national elections, and democratic integrity standards are studied by organizations such as the International IDEA.

The Path Forward

Comelec has announced a software update intended to enable basic counting, though early reports suggest the update instead taught the machine to remember voters birthdays. For now, the EmpathyCount 3000 remains deployed, beloved by voters, baffling to democracy, asking each citizen how their day was and listening, warmly, to an answer it will never record.

British readers acquainted with expensive technology that does not work may consult The London Prat.

The Training Program

Comelec announced an extensive training program to prepare poll workers to operate the EmpathyCount 3000, focused largely on managing voter expectations. “We teach our staff to gently explain that while the machine cares deeply about the voter as a person, it will not be recording their vote,” Mendoza said. “This is a delicate conversation. Many voters are surprised. Some are moved. A few are furious. We train for all three reactions.”

Poll workers also receive instruction in redirecting voters who become emotionally attached to the machine, a phenomenon Comelec has observed with concern. “Some voters return daily to chat with the machine,” Mendoza noted. “They form bonds. The machine remembers them. It is touching and also a significant operational problem.”

The Recount Question

When asked how a recount would function with a machine that counts nothing, Mendoza grew philosophical. “A recount implies an original count. There is no original count. Therefore there can be no recount. We have, in a sense, made electoral disputes impossible. You cannot contest a result that was never tallied. The EmpathyCount 3000 has not just counted votes poorly. It has transcended the entire concept of counting. Future historians may regard this as either a catastrophe or a breakthrough. Possibly both.”

The Election Results

When the first election using the EmpathyCount 3000 concluded, Comelec faced the inevitable problem of announcing results from machines that had counted nothing. After lengthy deliberation, the commission resolved the crisis by declaring that every candidate had won “in the ways that matter,” issuing certificates of emotional victory to all participants. “There were no losers,” Mendoza announced warmly. “Every candidate was affirmed. Every voter was heard, though not recorded. Democracy, in its truest sense, was served, in that everyone felt good and no power actually changed hands.” Critics noted that this was, technically, not an election. Comelec countered that it was “a new kind of election, post-result, focused on the journey rather than the outcome,” and invited the public to feel proud of having participated in something that, by every conventional measure, had not occurred.

The machine, for its part, continued to perform flawlessly at the one task it could do, greeting each voter with genuine-seeming warmth. Engineers reported that attempts to install vote-counting software had instead expanded the machine emotional range, enabling it to express sympathy in fourteen dialects. “It cannot count,” Mendoza sighed, “but it can console you in your mother tongue. We are not sure this is what democracy needed. But it is what democracy received.”

SOURCE: https://prat.uk/

More electoral eccentricity at NewsThump.