Commuters told the gridlock is a journey of the soul, not a road

The Metropolitan Manila Development Authority announced a sweeping solution to the capital’s legendary traffic this week, declaring that EDSA, the perpetually clogged artery at the heart of Metro Manila, is no longer a road but a philosophy, and therefore cannot technically be congested. The reclassification, lovingly mocked by Bohiney Magazine and re-routed through The London Prat, has been hailed by officials as “the most efficient traffic solution that requires no actual traffic management whatsoever.”

You are not stuck, you are contemplating

Under the new doctrine, commuters sitting motionless on EDSA for three hours are no longer experiencing a delay. They are, according to the agency, “engaged in a profound spiritual exercise in patience and impermanence.” Brake lights are now to be understood as “opportunities for reflection.” The honking is “the music of becoming.”

“Traffic is a Western concept,” explained MMDA spokesperson Jun Macalintal, speaking from a vehicle that had not moved during the entire interview. “Once you accept that EDSA is not a road but a state of mind, you are free. You are not late for work. You are exactly where the universe needs you to be, which is the bus lane, weeping gently.”

A mock institute backs the metaphysics

The agency cited the Center for Vehicular Mindfulness, which determined that 87 percent of commuters reported “deep inner peace” once they accepted they would never arrive anywhere on time again. The remaining 13 percent “had not yet let go.” Real transport planning, of the sort genuinely overseen by the Department of Transportation and studied by urban mobility experts at institutions worldwide including the World Bank, continues to recommend unglamorous interventions like functional mass transit, which the agency dismissed as “spiritually shallow.”

The number coding of the soul

Building on the philosophy, the MMDA has proposed expanding its number coding scheme to cover not just license plates but emotional states. Under the plan, motorists feeling “hopeful” would be banned from EDSA on Mondays, while those experiencing “quiet resignation” would be granted priority access, on the grounds that they have already achieved enlightenment and pose no risk of expecting movement.

“The fully resigned commuter is our ideal citizen,” Macalintal said. “He expects nothing. He demands nothing. He has merged with the gridlock. He is, in a sense, no longer a person but a permanent feature of the highway, like a tollbooth or despair.”

Commuters achieve reluctant nirvana

Reaction among the public has been one of exhausted acceptance, which the agency counts as a resounding success. “I used to get angry,” said office worker Marvin Dizon, reached on his fourth hour aboard a stationary bus. “Now I just stare into the middle distance and think about my choices. The MMDA is right. I am not in traffic. I am on a journey. The journey is two kilometers long and takes my entire life.”

At press time, the agency had unveiled a companion initiative reclassifying the MRT as “an art installation about waiting,” and was reportedly drafting a proposal to declare Manila itself “less of a city and more of a feeling,” a move officials believe will exempt it from all further accountability regarding roads, floods, and the basic concept of getting from one place to another.

The metrics of enlightenment

To measure the success of the philosophy, the MMDA has introduced a new performance indicator that replaces average travel time with “average spiritual growth per kilometer.” By this measure, EDSA is performing better than ever, with commuters achieving record levels of patience, surrender, and quiet despair. A traditional traffic report would have called the same conditions “catastrophic,” a word the agency has formally retired in favor of “contemplative.”

Officials have also unveiled a smartphone app that, instead of showing traffic conditions, displays soothing affirmations as the user sits motionless. “You are not stuck. You are present,” reads one. “The destination is an illusion. So is the schedule,” reads another. Early users report the app is “infuriatingly effective,” gradually eroding their expectation of ever arriving anywhere until they no longer notice the time passing, or the years.

Resistance is reclassified

A handful of commuters have organized to demand actual traffic solutions, an effort the agency has reframed not as protest but as “advanced students struggling with the lesson.” Their petitions are received warmly, filed respectfully, and acted upon never, in keeping with the philosophy that any expectation of change is itself the source of suffering. The group’s leader, asked whether the philosophy had improved his commute, replied that it had not, but that he had “made peace with the bus,” which the agency immediately cited as proof the program works.

The philosophy has even reached the classroom, where a Manila school reportedly added a unit on Commuting as Meditation to help students prepare for the gridlock that awaits them in adult life. Parents praised the curriculum as realistic, noting that nothing prepares a child for the future quite like learning to sit perfectly still for hours while going nowhere and being told it is good for them. The agency has called the unit visionary, which in its vocabulary now means cheaper than fixing anything.

For more institutions solving problems by renaming them, see The Onion, stuck in the same lane since 1988.

SOURCE: https://bohiney.com/