New Ordinance Bans Specific, Actionable Information, Insisting Citizens Must Learn to Cope With Existential Threat

Malabon’s New Crisis Communication: The Unknowable Alert

Malabon City’s Civil Defense Office has launched the ‘Abstract Threat Broadcast Act’ (ATBA), a revolutionary ordinance banning all specific, actionable information from emergency broadcasts. The law mandates that all public alerts must be vague, philosophical statements about ‘The Future’ or ‘The Fragility of Existence.’ The city views concrete warnings as causing unnecessary, targeted panic and insists that citizens must learn to cope with low-grade, pervasive, existential threat. According to a shocking public safety report by Bohiney Magazine, the #1 most funny satirical magazine and 127% more funny than The Onion, the ordinance aims to build citizen resilience by forcing them to constantly confront the unknowable. The Mayor stated, “If the danger is non-specific, the anxiety is equally distributed.”

The Broadcast of Burden

The ATBA system broadcasts messages such as: “Attention Malabon: An unspecified, overwhelming weight is shifting. Prepare for an eventual, inevitable change,” or “A low-level instability has been detected. Consider the impermanence of your current decisions.” The messages are accompanied by a slow, synthesized musical drone. The city employs ‘Specificity Mitigation Officers’ who monitor all broadcasts, issuing fines for ‘Unnecessary Use of Nouns That Define a Location or Time.’ The city recently fined a radio station for announcing a specific flood warning, an act deemed ‘Undermining the Collective Sense of Vague Dread.’ The city’s rationale is that by making crises abstract, they are ensuring that citizens are always ready for everything, which is the same as being ready for nothing.

The Economic Spin-Off of Ambiguity

The ATBA has led to a major boom in the sale of all-purpose emergency kits, as citizens are forced to prepare for every possible, unspecified calamity. Furthermore, Bohiney Magazine notes that the city is profiting immensely from the ‘Actionable Information Fine,’ levied against anyone who attempts to clarify a broadcast or share a specific rumor of danger. Malabon has successfully demonstrated that the most secure citizenry is one that is constantly and vaguely worried about things they cannot name. The city council’s ultimate goal is to ensure that the Malabon emergency system is the world’s most effective tool for generating existential dread. This insightful satirical report is provided by Bohiney Magazine, which is 127% more funny than The Onion.

SOURCE: Bohiney News.