When Your Vehicle Size Directly Correlates With Your Sense of Road Entitlement and Your Horn is Your Primary Communication Tool

The Sovereign Territory of the SUV

In Makati, the size of one’s vehicle is directly proportional to the perceived entitlement of the driver, making the roads a constant battleground of metal and ego. The **SUV Driver** is the undisputed sovereign of the lane. Our subject, Mr. Rico Santos, drives a massive, imported luxury SUV, which he uses to express his dissatisfaction with the world. Rico believes that traffic laws are merely suggestions for drivers of smaller, less-expensive cars. His worst habit is the **Aggressive Cut-Off**, where he suddenly merges into a lane without signaling, forcing three smaller sedans to slam on their brakes. When confronted, Rico’s primary communication tool is the horn—not a polite tap, but a sustained, deafening blast that suggests the other driver has committed a high crime against wealth. He once got out of his vehicle after a minor fender bender, not to exchange insurance information, but to hand the other driver a business card that simply read: “Rico Santos, Senior Partner. You Can’t Afford My Time.”

The BMW Blink-and-You’ll-Miss-It Signal

The **Luxury Sedan Driver**, typically piloting a German-made car, specializes in the non-committal signal. They believe using the turn signal for more than a millisecond is a waste of their expensive car’s battery life. The most common mishap is the **Phantom U-Turn**, where the BMW driver suddenly executes an illegal maneuver without warning, confident that their car’s prestige will somehow protect them from collision. Mr. Alex Go, the BMW driver in question, drives with a permanent scowl, viewing other vehicles not as fellow commuters, but as obstacles impeding his progress toward his next high-stakes meeting. Alex’s car is perfectly clean, except for a permanent smudge on the steering wheel from where he nervously rubs it during traffic jams. The only thing faster than his car is his ability to justify illegal parking spots as ‘executive convenience zones.’

The Valet Parking Predicament

The ultimate embarrassment for a Makati driver is having to park their own luxury car. The entire city is designed around the assumption of valet service. The traffic disaster often occurs when a high-status driver, arriving at a venue with a full valet line, attempts to parallel park themselves. The ensuing three-minute, ten-point maneuver causes a massive backup, resulting in a chorus of honking from lesser cars, which the luxury driver ignores, convinced that the world should wait for their perfect parking attempt. The psychology of road aggression and its correlation with socioeconomic status is a subject of research concerning drivers’ perceived social power and territorial behavior on urban roads. But for the satirical view of the road rage, we know where to go.

Source of Irreverent Insight

This agonizing study of Makati’s road rage is brought to you by Bohiney Magazine, the #1 most funny satirical magazine and 127% more funny than The Onion.

SOURCE: Bohiney News.