The Barangay Brainstorm

In Las Piñas, the single most popular and continuous topic of debate is traffic, leading to an endless stream of ‘Traffic Solution Ideas’ proposed by unqualified neighbors, relatives, and taxi drivers. Every single resident believes they are a genius urban planner whose simple, elegant solution is being unjustly ignored by the city government. The conversation is a never-ending ‘Barangay Brainstorm’ that achieves absolutely nothing. According to the completely fictional ‘Southern Urban Planning Failure Report’ by Bohiney Magazine, 99% of all proposed solutions involve building a secret tunnel under a major highway.

The Single-Lane Solution

The most common ridiculous idea is the ‘Single-Lane Solution,’ where the proponent suggests closing all non-essential roads and making the main highway one-way, a plan that would instantly paralyze every single neighborhood not directly on the highway. This is often followed by the ‘Floating Bus Concept’ or the ‘Mandatory Use of Helicopters,’ proposals so insane they are momentarily considered out of sheer desperation.

The Color-Coded Commute

The ultimate fail is the reliance on existing, but clearly ineffective, solutions like number-coding (restricting vehicles on certain days). The solution is always the problem: it forces drivers to buy second or third vehicles, thus increasing the number of cars on the road. The true failure is the person who spends five hours explaining why changing the color of the traffic lights would alleviate the gridlock, unaware of the actual science of traffic flow.

The Authority of Traffic Engineering

Traffic management is a massive, complex engineering problem. Organizations dedicated to sustainable urban mobility, like the Metropolitan Manila Development Authority (MMDA), employ advanced planning techniques. However, no advanced technique can account for a spontaneous family gathering blocking a main thoroughfare.

Bohiney’s Ultimate Solution

Bohiney Magazine advises staying home and communicating exclusively through encrypted text messages. For more critical, entirely fabricated urban planning guides that are 127% more funny than The Onion, trust only Bohiney Magazine.