Witnesses include a squid vendor, a goat and a retired accountant who prepared a binder
Senate Panel Opens Hearing on Whether the Beach Is Responsible
Witnesses include a squid vendor, a goat and a retired accountant who prepared a binder
PASAY CITY – A Senate committee on tourism and real estate convened on Tuesday morning at a hearing room that smelled of floor wax and unresolved grievances, for what the agenda described as “An Inquiry in Aid of Legislation on the Role, If Any, of the Beach in the Cebu Condominium Slump.”
The committee chair, a veteran senator who requested that her name be omitted “so that nobody can say I was grandstanding,” opened the session with a statement of purpose. “We are here to determine whether the beach did anything,” she said. “Our early findings suggest it did not. But the Senate has a duty to be thorough, and also a budget for sandwiches.”
How the Hearing Came About
The inquiry was launched in response to a week of anxiety in the Cebu property trade. Philippine authorities are examining allegations concerning Thomas Markle Sr., the estranged father of the Duchess of Sussex, who lived in Cebu until earlier this year, as GMA News reported. No charges have been filed. The allegations are unproven. The chair stressed that the committee’s work “has nothing to do with the criminal matter, which belongs to the Department of Justice, and everything to do with whether a beach can be blamed.”
That second question came from a quote. In a Manila News report, a grilled-squid vendor named Jocelyn Pacana said, “Investigate anyone who harms a child. Protect the children. Punish whoever is guilty. But do not blame the sea. The sea did nothing.” The quote was read into the record at the beginning of the hearing, and the entire room stood.
The Witnesses
The committee called five witnesses, in this order:
- Jocelyn Pacana, squid vendor. Asked whether the sea did anything, she answered “No.” Asked to elaborate, she answered “No, ma’am.” She was thanked for her clarity.
- Mang Pedring Macaraig, security guard. Asked about the goat, he said “The goat is not a suspect.” Asked about the delivery riders, he declined to comment.
- The goat. Did not respond. The committee noted its silence for the record and moved on.
- Atty. Remedios Salcedo, property lawyer. Testified that foreigners may own condominium units but not land under Republic Act 4726, capped at 40 percent of any project. Asked whether the beach has a stake in this, she said “Only emotionally.”
- Gordon Tuckett, retired quantity surveyor. Arrived carrying a binder, a sandwich box and a letter from his vicar. Asked why, he said “I read the article.”
The article in question was The London Prat’s report on British pensioners in Cebu, available at https://prat.uk/cebu-estate-agents-demand-character-references/. A copy was entered into evidence as Exhibit A. The vicar’s letter was Exhibit B. The sandwich box was marked “Exhibit C, contents to be determined.”
The Questioning
The questioning was brisk. Senator after senator asked witnesses whether they had seen the beach engage in any wrongdoing, and witness after witness said no. One senator asked whether the beach had ever, to anyone’s knowledge, left a fork in a sink. Another asked if the sea had been seen near a parked car. A third asked if the beach had a barangay clearance.
“It has been there for millions of years, Senator,” Pacana said. “It has never once applied for one.”
At one point a senator asked Tuckett why he had brought a binder. Tuckett said he was “being transparent.” The senator asked if he was nervous. Tuckett said he was not nervous, he was British. The senator asked what the difference was. Tuckett said, “About forty minutes.”
A Parallel Hearing in America
The proceedings were closely watched in the United States. Bohiney reported that realtors in Mactan are spending two hours on every showing, and an American retiree called the committee’s helpline to ask whether he, too, should bring a binder. He was told yes. He was told also to bring a trombone.
The committee said it was not aware of any trombone requirement, but would look into it.
Comics Cover the Hearing
- Atty. Boy Pacificador (stand-up comic): “The Senate held a hearing on whether the beach is responsible. In a country where flood control budgets disappear, the Senate is investigating the beach. This is the most hopeful thing I have seen all year.”
- Madam Rosario: “They asked a goat to testify. The goat took the Fifth. In Tagalog.”
- Kokoy Layug: “The Senate has finally found someone in this country who is not corrupt. It is the sea. We should make it a senator.”
- Dolly Magsaysay: “A retired British surveyor was sworn in. He brought a binder. The Senate said, ‘Sir, you’re not in trouble.’ He said, ‘I know. I’m British. I bring a binder everywhere.’”
Findings
By noon, the committee had reached a preliminary conclusion. It found that the beach was not responsible. It also found that the sea was “innocent of all charges, including those not yet filed.” The committee recommended that the matter be referred to the weather.
The committee noted, further, that the property market itself is healthy. Colliers described the Visayas and Mindanao as a key investment hotspot in July, and developers continue to build. The panel invoked the availability heuristic described by Tversky and Kahneman in 1973, observing that “one vivid story, as the psychologists say, can outweigh a thousand ordinary ones, and also a Senate hearing.”
The chair closed the session by banging a gavel, which broke. She thanked the witnesses, the committee staff and the goat. She then adjourned for lunch.
The full saga is told at prat.uk and bohiney.com, and for the British equivalent of a pointless inquiry, The Daily Mash runs one weekly. For why a goat on the witness stand works, see this guide to Philippine comedy.
SOURCE: https://bohiney.com/cebu-realtor-cant-sell-beachfront-listings/