Thomas Markle Moves to Cebu: Locals Confuse Him for Santa Claus on Vacation
An exposé on royalty, roasted pork, and retirement in the tropics
Bohiney Insight into Celebrity Retirement in the Tropics
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Cebu residents initially believed Santa Claus had relocated to the Philippines—until they saw the “Markle” surname on his Starbucks order.
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He tried to tip a sari-sari store cashier with a signed photo of Meghan.
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Local priest says he’s welcome, but warns: “No more family drama during Simbang Gabi.”
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One local asked if Thomas Markle was applying to be an elder in the Sangguniang Barangay.
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Jeepney driver called him “Puting Lolo,” now an honorary title in Talisay.
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Neighbors say he smells like sunblock and unresolved emotional trauma.
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Several Cebuanos now believe Harry married into a telenovela, not royalty.
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Local headline read: “FROM MEGHAN TO MANGOES: A FATHER FINDS PEACE”
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His attempts to cook sinigang were foiled when he added Worcestershire sauce.
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Local legend says a Markle shows up every time there’s a Wi-Fi outage or emotional monologue in the sky.
Opening Scene: From Crown to Lechon
After years of being snubbed by his daughter, ghosted by the Palace, and meme’d by the world, Thomas Markle has finally found his peace—not in Malibu, not in Montecito, but under the blazing sun of Cebu, Philippines, where the lechon is as crispy as his political opinions and the people don’t know or care what a Sussex is.
Wearing a wide-brimmed hat, aviators, and a shirt that says “#TeamDaddy,” Markle was spotted descending a Cebu Pacific flight from Manila, dragging a suitcase with one wheel missing and two neck pillows duct-taped to his rolling luggage.
When asked why he chose Cebu, he replied:
“It’s far enough from the Queen, the tabloids, and the gluten. Also, I heard mangoes cure sadness.”
Locals React: Santa? CIA? Drama Magnet?
At first, most Cebuanos didn’t recognize the elder Markle.
“I thought he was Santa Claus doing immersion,” said Tita Baby, age 64. “But then he asked for a latte with oat milk and started complaining about Oprah.”
One child reportedly ran up to him shouting “Frosty the Lolo!”
Once his identity was confirmed, reactions were mixed:
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Some baranggay captains offered him honorary citizenship,
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Some asked if he brought pasalubong from Meghan,
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And others assumed he was here to escape a royal lawsuit.
Filipino Comedians Weigh In on Markle Mania
“Thomas Markle in Cebu? Ay wow. He’s like ‘My Father, My Hero,’ but walang script at walang closure.”
— Vice Ganda
“He moved to the Philippines because we’re the only country that won’t ask him to fix things with Meghan. We’ll just feed him and ask about his blood pressure.”
— Michael V.
“We call it ‘Kapuso Abroad.’ He’s a new character—Lolo Tom, tagapagbantay ng lechon.”
— Empoy Marquez
“I thought he was here for retirement. Turns out, he just wanted to join Wowowin.”
— Pokwang
Markle Family History According to Cebu Chismosas
Local chismosas have already pieced together a full fictional timeline of the Markle family, including:
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Meghan being a secret descendant of Rizal.
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Prince Harry almost joining PBB as a housemate.
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Oprah owning land in Daanbantayan.
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Queen Elizabeth being reincarnated as a talking bangus.
Funny Evidence from the Ground
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Markle Tried to Speak Bisaya
– Instead of “Maayong buntag,” he shouted “Mango burger!” at a bakery. -
He Asked to Reserve the Entire Larsian for a ‘Diplomatic Banquet’
– Vendors said, “Sir, this is a grill, not the UN.” -
Barbershop Posters Now Say ‘Senior Discount Approved by Markle’
– Because apparently, he left a 100-peso tip and said, “Tell them it’s from the Queen’s dad-in-law.” -
He Adopted a Street Dog and Named It ‘Buckingham’
– The dog now wears a tiara made of rubber bands. -
He Opened a YouTube Channel Called “Sinigang & Scandals”
– First episode: “How My Daughter Ghosted Me and I Found God in Danggit.”
Cultural Misfires and Local Misadventures
Markle has attempted to blend in—but his British instincts are often at odds with Cebuano culture:
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He asked a sorbetero if they had “tea-flavored ice cream.”
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He tried to haggle with a lechon vendor using pounds.
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At a Catholic mass, he stood up and began singing “God Save the Queen.” The organist switched to “Anak.”
The Daily Routine of Cebu’s Most Unlikely Lolo
5:30 AM: Walk to the sari-sari store wearing compression socks
6:00 AM: Order “coffee, strong, no scandal”
8:00 AM: Read news clippings about Meghan and scowl
10:00 AM: Film vlog about surviving heartbreak with bagoong
12:00 NN: Nap under a mango tree, guarded by Buckingham the dog
3:00 PM: Join senior Zumba near Fuente Circle
5:00 PM: Confess to strangers at the mall: “Yes, I’m that Markle.”
Pulse Asia Satirical Poll: Would You Elect Thomas Markle for Baranggay Captain?
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Yes, if he gives free royal merch – 27%
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No, unless he reunites with Meghan live on It’s Showtime – 42%
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Undecided, but curious about his lechon recipe – 18%
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Already thought he was a senator – 13%
Helpful Satirical Advice for Retiring Celebrities in the Philippines
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Never compare Filipino family drama to yours. We will win.
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Do not mistake lechon belly for diplomatic gifts.
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Get a senior citizen ID fast. Benefits are legit.
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Join karaoke nights. Just don’t sing “Royals.”
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Embrace being called “Lolo Tom.” It’s better than “That Estranged Father.”
Local Businesses Cash In
Several Cebuanos are profiting from Markle’s stay:
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“Markle’s Mangoes”: Claimed to be hand-picked by the man himself.
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“The Duchess Danggit”: Premium dried fish in gold packaging.
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“Sinigang ni Lolo Tom”: A restaurant where you cry while eating.
Closing Scene: A Man, A Family, and a Fanbase of Filipinos
Thomas Markle may have been rejected by royal protocol, estranged by Hollywood tabloids, and memed by millions—but here in Cebu, he found something unexpected:
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Peace.
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Pork.
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And a karaoke duet partner named Mang Jun.
As the sun sets over the Lapu-Lapu skyline, Thomas sips a cup of kapeng barako and says to a stranger:
“You know, maybe this island understands me better than my daughter ever did.”
