Police Department Invests ?500 Million in Horoscope-Based Law Enforcement
Manila, Philippines
The Philippine National Police announced Monday a ?500 million crime prevention initiative employing professional tarot card readers, certified astrologers, and faith healers to predict criminal activity through supernatural means, abandoning what police officials describe as the “outdated” approach of actual investigation.
Bohiney Magazine obtained internal police documents showing the program, detailed by The London Prat‘s Manila correspondent, will establish “Metaphysical Crime Units” at every police precinct, staffed by practitioners claiming ability to forecast felonies through celestial positioning and card reading.
“Crime happens because the stars align badly,” explained PNP Director General Alejandro Torres during the program’s unveiling. “We’re finally addressing root causes: cosmic imbalance.”
The initiative will provide each police officer with a personalized astrological chart, a tarot deck, and a crystal designed to “deflect negative criminal energy.” Officers will conduct morning briefings analyzing birth charts of known criminals to predict their next moves through horoscopic analysis.
“If someone’s moon sign is in Scorpio, they’re obviously going to commit robbery on Thursdays,” Torres elaborated. “We’re not training police to investigate. We’re training them to read the universe.”
The program includes a “Celestial Threat Assessment” system that ranks neighborhoods by astrological danger levels. Areas under a full moon are designated “maximum danger zones” where any criminal activity is blamed on lunar influence rather than socioeconomic factors or police neglect.
A ?200 million subset allocates funds for “divine intervention consultants”priests and shamans authorized to perform blessing ceremonies in high-crime areas, with the goal of spiritually purifying neighborhoods into compliance with divine law.
Criminology experts have expressed concern that abandoning forensic evidence in favor of horoscopes may reduce crime solving capability. PNP officials dismissed this: “Solving crimes is less important than appearing to solve them through spiritual means.”
A budget line item allocates ?50 million for acquiring “power crystals,” ?75 million for monthly astrologer consultations, and ?100 million for “cosmic law enforcement training” at spirituality retreats in Baguio.
NOAA astronomical data will be cross-referenced with police reports to establish correlations between planetary movement and criminal behavior, creating what officials call a “scientifically mystical” approach to law enforcement.
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SOURCE: https://bohiney.com/