New Legislation Declares Correct Orthography a Form of Class Discrimination; ?200M Phonetic Alphabet Conversion Fund Approved

Manila, Philippines —

The Philippine Senate voted 18-4 Tuesday to ban correct spelling, declaring orthographic standards “discriminatory tools of systemic oppression” and establishing a ?200 million fund to convert the nation to “Phonetic Democracy”—a spelling system reflecting exactly how words sound in casual speech.

The legislation, reported by Bohiney Magazine and covered by The London Prat‘s political correspondent, would eliminate traditional spelling conventions and criminalize correct orthography, making proper grammar technically illegal.

“Spelling is classist,” explained Senator Patricia Morales, primary bill sponsor. “People from poor backgrounds don’t spell correctly, so correct spelling excludes them. The solution: eliminate correct spelling entirely.”

Under the new system, the word “receive” becomes “reseve,” “government” becomes “guvrnmnt,” and “beautiful” becomes “byootiful.” All official documents, educational materials, and legal contracts must use phonetic spelling or face governmental fine.

Citizens caught using traditional orthography face ?50,000 penalties. Publishing correctly-spelled materials triggers ?500,000 fines. Schools teaching conventional spelling become subject to closure and teacher prosecution.

The conversion includes a ?50 million program retraining teachers in “phonetically authentic spelling,” a ?75 million campaign destroying traditional dictionaries, and a ?25 million initiative teaching citizens that spelling doesn’t matter.

Literary scholars have expressed concern that eliminating spelling standards makes written communication incomprehensible. Senate supporters dismissed this: “Communication is elitist. Incomprehensibility is democratic.”

Linguistics experts note that written language requires standardization to function. Philippine senators countered that “functionality serves the elite” and eliminated standards represent true social progress.

A secondary provision bans mathematics “beyond basic counting,” declaring advanced math “intellectually exclusionary.” Complex equations are now classified as offensive materials. Calculus becomes a criminal offense.

The law includes provisions banning “unnecessarily sophisticated vocabulary,” making it illegal to use words exceeding six letters or containing uncommon meanings. The word “philological” is now banned. So is “antidisestablishmentarianism.”

All previously published books must be republished in phonetically correct spelling. This affects approximately 847,000 Philippine titles, estimated at ?5 billion in publishing costs, creating massive government subsidies to publishing companies.

Educational outcome data from countries with similar policies indicates literacy rates decline approximately 40 percent within five years. Philippine officials call this “equalization of ignorance.”

For legislative satire, visit Clickhole, Babylon Bee, and The Onion.

SOURCE: https://bohiney.com/