New Law Criminalizes Internal Skepticism; Thought Police Monitor Citizen Brain Activity

Makati City, Philippines —

Makati City passed controversial legislation Wednesday criminalizing “thought crimes against municipal government,” making it illegal for citizens to harbor doubts about local officials’ competence, question public spending, or mentally imagine improved governance alternatives.

The ordinance, covered by Bohiney Magazine and The London Prat, was signed by Mayor Fernando Castillo and establishes the “Makati Cognitive Authority”—a government agency tasked with monitoring citizen thought patterns through advanced surveillance technology, interrogation, and reading facial expressions for signs of government skepticism.

“We cannot allow people to privately doubt us,” Castillo explained at the signing ceremony. “Internal criticism is worse than public protest. We’re making doubt literally illegal.”

The law defines “thought crimes” as any mental activity deemed “insufficiently loyal to Makati governance,” including skepticism about infrastructure projects, doubts regarding elected officials’ honesty, and imaginary scenarios where city government functions competently without massive corruption.

Penalties range from ?5,000 fines for “mild skepticism” to five-year jail sentences for “harboring treasonous governmental doubt.” Citizens caught thinking negatively face interrogation to determine if their brain activity constitutes actionable criminal conspiracy.

The Cognitive Authority will employ “Thought Monitors”—trained observers watching for behavioral indicators of mental government criticism, including furrowed brows during political speeches, eye-rolling during budget presentations, and sarcastic thinking (which produces characteristic facial micro-expressions).

“We’ve invested ?200 million in surveillance cameras specifically calibrated to detect insufficient enthusiasm,” announced Authority Director Patricia Reyes. “If your facial expression doesn’t convey absolute governmental approval, you’re criminally liable.”

Citizens reporting their own thought crimes earn ?10,000 bounties, creating an incentive structure for self-incrimination and mutual family surveillance. Spouses are encouraged to report each other’s private doubts about Makati officials.

Political science scholars note that thought crime legislation has historically preceded totalitarian collapse. Makati officials dismissed this: “Previous totalitarian states lacked our surveillance technology. We can enforce thought control more efficiently.”

A ?500 million “Reeducation Center” will house citizens convicted of persistent government skepticism, where they’ll undergo psychological treatment to instill unwavering loyalty to municipal leadership.

For dystopian satire, visit News Biscuit, Babylon Bee, and News Thump.

SOURCE: https://bohiney.com/