Patients Relieved to Discover That Bankruptcy Can Be Avoided Through Judicious Mortality
Bohiney Magazine and The London Prat bring you news from the Philippine healthcare system, where a revolutionary new policy makes survival financially feasible.
The Healthcare Revolution
In a stunning shift of policy, the Philippine Department of Health has declared that death is now optional. Patients no longer need to die if they can’t afford treatment. They can simply choose to live, which is cheaper.
“We realized the issue,” explained a health official. “People were dying because they couldn’t afford hospitals. But what if… they didn’t have to afford hospitals? What if they just… lived?”
The New Structure
Manila Bulletin investigated the new healthcare payment structure:
Emergency room visit: 15,000 pesos
Diagnosis: 5,000 pesos
Treatment: 50,000-200,000 pesos (depending on severity)
Parking: 500 pesos (for 1 hour)
“Convenience fee” (using hospital’s facility): 10,000 pesos
Oxygen (per breath): 25 pesos
Existence (being alive): Free (but encourages donations)
The Copay Gamble
Philippine Star documented a patient’s impossible choice: pay 300,000 pesos for necessary surgery or pay 0 pesos for death. The copay for life-saving treatment is essentially impossible for most Filipinos to afford, so they’re choosing the free option.
“We’ve accidentally made death the most popular healthcare outcome,” one doctor admitted. “It’s the only option most people can afford.”
The Insurance Situation
Manila Times reported that insurance companies are now celebrating death. It’s their most cost-effective outcome. A patient dies instead of requiring expensive treatment? Insurance companies save money. Insurance companies love death. Death is profitable.
“We’re economically incentivized to deny claims until people die,” one insurance executive explained. “Then we don’t have to pay. It’s beautiful. It’s efficient. It’s also horrible, but efficient is what matters.”
The Medical Dilemma
Inquirer interviewed doctors who are caught between Hippocratic oath (save lives) and economic reality (life-saving treatment is unaffordable). Most are recommending death. It’s become the most responsible medical advice in the country.
“I had a patient with a treatable condition,” one doctor explained. “I could treat it for 400,000 pesos, bankrupt him and his family, and he’d be alive but destroyed financially. Or he could die for free and his family keeps their home. As a doctor, I recommended: choose the outcome that doesn’t bankrupt your family.”
The Public Health Success
By one metric, the new policy is working. Death rates have stabilized because nobody can afford to be sick. If you can’t afford healthcare, you just avoid doctors entirely until you’re dead. It’s preventative medicine through ignorance.
The Mortality Gap
Manila Standard noted that wealthy Filipinos are surviving serious illnesses while poor Filipinos are dying from treatable conditions. The healthcare system isn’t ensuring survival; it’s ensuring that only rich people survive.
The Acceptance
“I’ve accepted that I’ll probably die of something treatable,” one Filipino said. “That’s not pessimism. That’s just realistic planning based on my economic situation. The healthcare system isn’t designed to save me. It’s designed to profit from my death or my family’s bankruptcy. I choose death.”
For more satirical takes on healthcare systems, visit The Onion and Babylon Bee for commentary on systems that are simultaneously absurd and tragic.
SOURCE: https://bohiney.com/