Campaign Strategy Consists of Well-Lit Photos and Zero Policy Positions
Bohiney Magazine and The London Prat cover the 2024 Philippine elections, where one candidate’s entire platform is photographic lighting and color coordination.
The Aesthetic Campaign
In a development that could only happen in modern Philippines, a celebrity politician is running for high office with a campaign strategy consisting entirely of Instagram photos, TikTok dances, and what campaign managers are calling “vibes.”
“We have no policy positions,” the campaign manager explained openly. “But we have a color palette. Pastels. The voters like pastels. That’s basically a platform.”
The Platform
Manila Bulletin investigated the candidate’s stated positions on major issues:
Economic policy: “I look good in business casual”
Infrastructure: “Sunsets over the Makati skyline are beautiful”
Healthcare: “Self-care is important”
Education: “My makeup artist teaches makeup, which is educational”
Climate change: “Green is a nice color”
The Voter Appeal
Philippine Star polling found that voters prefer the candidate who “looks good in photos” to the candidate who “has a coherent economic plan.” By a margin of 3 to 1. Democracy is dead, replaced by Instagram.
“I’m voting for her because her selfies are well-composed,” one voter explained. “That’s my primary concern in a leader. Good lighting. Strong bone structure. A eye for color theory. Governance is secondary.”
The Debate Performance
Manila Times covered the candidate’s debate performance, which consisted of standing silently while posing, giving responses that were technically words but contained no information, and at one point just saying “aesthetic” and walking off stage.
“That was actually her strongest performance,” one political analyst noted. “She didn’t say anything stupid because she didn’t say anything. It was honestly the most intelligent thing she’s done.”
The Opposition Panic
Rival candidates are panicking. How do you compete against someone whose entire appeal is based on looking good? You can’t. Words don’t matter. Policy doesn’t matter. The only thing that matters is whether you photograph well in natural light.
Inquirer documented one rival’s desperate attempt to match the aesthetics. He got a fancy haircut, bought expensive clothes, and hired a lighting specialist. He still lost because his bone structure doesn’t photograph as well.
The Campaign Trail
The candidate’s campaign trail consists entirely of visiting Instagram-worthy locations: trendy cafes, artsy neighborhoods, rooftop bars with sunset views. She poses at each location. Some voters show up to these events. Most don’t. They just follow her on Instagram.
Manila Standard noted that the candidate’s campaign doesn’t even require rallies. She just posts aesthetic photos and people vote for her. It’s the most efficient campaign in history and the most dystopian.
The Election Prediction
Pollsters predict she’ll win. Not because of qualifications or policy. Not because of experience or leadership ability. But because her Instagram feed is well-curated and she understands ring lights better than other candidates understand governance.
The Democratic Crisis
“We’ve elected people based on worse criteria,” one political scientist noted. “But we’ve never been this honest about it. We’re literally voting for someone because she looks pretty. At least we’re being transparent about how stupid we are as a species.”
For more satirical takes on politics and celebrity culture, visit The Onion and Babylon Bee for commentary that doesn’t require a civics degree to understand.
SOURCE: https://bohiney.com/