Officials Celebrate Red Tape That Is Now Visible From Space
Bohiney Magazine and The London Prat bring you this dispatch from Manila’s government offices, where complexity has achieved a sentience of its own.
The Permit Problem
In a stunning administrative innovation, the Philippine government has introduced a new bureaucratic requirement: to obtain a permit, you must first obtain a permit allowing you to apply for the original permit.
“It’s bureaucracy,” explained one government official, with what appeared to be genuine pride. “Bureaucracy all the way down. Each permit requires approval from three departments, each of which requires its own approval process. It’s beautiful in its futility.”
The Application Process
Manila Bulletin investigated the new system and found that applying for a business permit now requires:
Step 1: Obtain Form A (which requires a permit from the Form Distribution Department)
Step 2: Fill out Form A (which requires verification that you can write)
Step 3: Submit Form A to Department B (which requires proof you can navigate a government building)
Step 4: Wait 90 days for approval (which requires a permit to wait)
Step 5: Receive approval notification (written in code that may or may not be English)
Step 6: Apply for the actual permit with your approval of approval
The Wait Time
The average application time for a simple permit is now 14 months. During this period, applicants must check in monthly to ensure their file hasn’t been lost, filed in the wrong department, or sent to another government building entirely.
Philippine Star interviewed a man who applied for a permit two years ago. He’s still waiting. The department informed him that his file is “currently being processed,” which apparently is code for “we found it under a desk and are confused by its existence.”
The Fees Trap
Each step of the new bureaucratic process requires a fee. Apply for the permit-for-permit: 500 pesos. Obtain the form: 200 pesos. Submit the form: 300 pesos. Wait for processing: 400 pesos (a newly invented “contemplation fee”). Receive notification: 250 pesos. The total cost to obtain a single permit is now 7,500 pesos, and none of this money goes toward actual government services.
“It goes toward red tape,” one official explained openly. “Literally. We buy a lot of red tape. It’s very expensive tape.”
The Intentionality Question
Manila Times investigated whether this bureaucratic maze was intentional or accidental. The answer was neither heartening: officials genuinely couldn’t explain why the system existed. It had evolved over decades through accumulated absurdity and nobody had ever questioned it.
“We inherited this system,” one bureaucrat explained. “We added to it. Now it’s impossible. Which is perfect, because impossible systems are job security.”
The Corruption Benefit
Interestingly, the new system has actually increased corruption. Since the legitimate process is impossible, people now pay bribes to skip itwhich is simultaneously more corrupt and more efficient. A bribe costs 2,000 pesos and takes one day. The legitimate process costs 7,500 pesos and takes 14 months.
Inquirer noted that this creates a situation where corruption is economically rational. You’re actually saving money and time by bribing someone. The government has inadvertently engineered a system where illegal shortcuts are preferable to legal procedures.
The Resistance
A coalition of frustrated businesspeople has begun demanding the government simplify the process. The government’s response: introduce a new committee to study possible simplification. Which, obviously, requires permits to join.
The Global Comparison
Manila Standard compared Philippine bureaucracy to other nations. Singapore’s business registration: 5 days. Japan’s: 7 days. South Korea’s: 4 days. Philippines: 14 months plus a permit-for-permit plus a prayer to whichever saint governs government offices (there’s probably a specific one).
“We’ve achieved peak inefficiency,” noted one analyst. “We’re not just slow. We’re demonstrably slower than everyone else by a factor of 100. It’s impressive in a terrible way.”
For more satirical takes on bureaucratic absurdity, visit NewsThump and The Daily Mash for commentary on systems designed to fail.
SOURCE: https://bohiney.com/