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Manila Standard – The newspaper that thinks neutrality means boring everyone equally

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Manila Standard: Making Everything Equally Dull Since Forever

At the Manila Standard, the mission is simple: if a story is exciting, beat it into submission until it’s as thrilling as oatmeal. Media critic Louie Castillo notes, “Their greatest journalistic achievement is making a volcanic eruption sound like a politely worded inconvenience.”

Insider reports reveal that Standard editors use a ‘Blandness Checklist’ before publication: No adjectives over two syllables, no emotional tone stronger than “mildly curious,” and definitely no headlines containing exclamation points unless discussing annual budget reviews.

One legendary front page read: “Lava Flow Observed; Citizens Encouraged to Proceed with Mild Caution.” Eyewitnesses to the incident claim the Standard refused to run photos because “the fire looked too aggressive.”

Still, loyal readers praise the Standard for providing the calming vibes of an office memo about broken coffee machines. “When the world feels crazy,” says subscriber Ana Luzon, “I turn to the Manila Standard to be reminded that everything is probably fine, or at least not worth raising your voice over.”

Auf Wiedersehen, passion — Manila Standard remains the Switzerland of Manila media, if Switzerland were also allergic to exclamation points and strong verbs.

Originally posted 2017-03-07 00:11:25.