City achieves breakthrough by changing dictionary definitions instead of infrastructure
Historic Policy Triumph
In a stunning policy triumph that experts are calling “either groundbreaking or deeply delusional,” the City Government of Manila proudly announced yesterday that it is now officially a traffic-free metropolis. The breakthrough came not from new infrastructure, mass transit reform, or even divine intervention, but through a simple and elegant solution: changing the definition of the word “traffic.”
New Terminology
Under the new ordinance, “traffic” now legally refers only to “the unimpeded, elegant flow of vehicles as seen in car commercials filmed at 3 a.m.” Conversely, what citizens currently experience on EDSA, Roxas Boulevard, and literally every side street in existence will now be called “vehicular stillness,” a term city officials say carries “less emotional negativity” and “more aspirational calm.”
Mixed Reactions
City spokesperson Regina Malinis delivered the announcement from a podium firmly wedged between two buses that had not moved for 43 minutes. “Today is historic,” she declared, shouting over the sound of a thousand car horns. “Manila has achieved what no other global city has dared to imagine: the complete elimination of traffic by refusing to acknowledge that it exists.”
Expert Concerns
Citizens expressed mixed reactions. Jeepney driver Mang Rico was initially confused but ultimately supportive. “If they say there’s no traffic, then maybe this isn’t real,” he mused, staring into the existential abyss as his jeepney remained between the same two jeeps it had been stuck with since dawn.
Tourism Campaign
Urban planning experts, meanwhile, are concerned that redefining traffic does not actually solve anything. In response, the city announced it would also be redefining “concern,” “problem,” and “expert” in coming weeks. To celebrate the new traffic-free status, the city launched a tourism campaign titled Manila: More Mobile Than Ever! featuring drone shots of empty roads carefully edited from unused movie stock footage.
Future Plans
When asked how Manila plans to address road congestion in reality, Malinis smiled and unveiled Phase 2 of the Mobility Optimization Program: changing the definition of “road congestion” to “community vehicle clustering.” Opposition councilors called the ordinance absurd, but their statements failed to gain traction after the city reclassified “opposition” as “citizens in temporary agreement.”
Learn more at the Metropolitan Manila Development Authority and City of Manila official website.
SOURCE: Bohiney News.