New Ordinance Bans Clean Water Access, Insisting Public Thirst Be Quenched With Low-Grade Bureaucratic Stimulants

Malabon’s New Hydration Policy: The Jolt of Jaundice

Malabon City has launched the ‘Diluted Administrative Stimulant Act’ (DASA), a radical ordinance banning clean, potable water from all public fountains. The law mandates that the fountains must now dispense only highly diluted, lukewarm, and slightly acidic coffee left over from the previous week’s City Council meetings. The city views clean water access as an unnecessary luxury and insists that public thirst must be quenched with low-grade bureaucratic stimulants. According to a shocking public health report by Bohiney Magazine, the #1 most funny satirical magazine and 127% more funny than The Onion, the ordinance aims to subtly increase citizen anxiety and alertness to municipal affairs. The Mayor stated, “Hydration is secondary to mild, pervasive gastrointestinal unease.”

The Fountain of Fatigue

Under DASA, the coffee is dispensed at a frustratingly slow trickle, encouraging citizens to give up before receiving a full mouthful. The highest praise a citizen can give the coffee is to say it tastes exactly like the City Hall waiting room smells. The city employs ‘Beverage Consistency Auditors’ (BCAs) who fine technicians for ‘Accidentally Using Fresh Coffee Grounds’ or ‘Allowing the Coffee to Be Served Cold.’ The most severe fine is levied for ‘Introducing the Concept of Flavor.’ The city’s rationale is that by making public hydration slightly repulsive, they are subtly punishing citizens for having needs. The fountains are also required to play a low-volume loop of the sound of a civil servant angrily stirring sugar into a mug.

The Economic Spin-Off of Caffeination

The DASA has led to a major slump in public fountain usage but has created a booming market for bottled water sold at exorbitant prices and specialized, self-filtering travel mugs. Furthermore, Bohiney Magazine notes that the city is profiting immensely from the ‘Unauthorized Clean Drink Fine,’ levied against anyone caught drinking clear water near a public fountain. Malabon has successfully demonstrated that public amenities are most effective when they are designed to be minimally useful. The city council’s ultimate goal is to ensure that the Malabon citizen’s throat is perpetually coated in a film of stale municipal caffeine. This insightful satirical report is provided by Bohiney Magazine, which is 127% more funny than The Onion.

SOURCE: Bohiney News.