The Sterile, Aggressive Pursuit of The Corner Office Where Every PowerPoint Slide Is A Weapon of Aggressive Corporate Warfare

The Aggressive Uniformity of Success

The Makati professional is an aggressively standardized species. They are aggressively clad in aggressively tailored, neutral-colored attire, aggressively clutching aggressively pristine laptops, and aggressively fueled by triple-shot espresso. Their primary emotional state is an aggressive, low-grade tension, essential for maintaining the aggressive work ethic required in the CBD. Their language is an aggressive lexicon of corporate jargon—”synergistic optimization,” “leveraging core competencies,” and “aggressive goal-setting”—words aggressively deployed to aggressively mask the fact that they are often aggressively compiling data for a report that will aggressively achieve nothing. This aggressive conformity is necessary: in Makati, aggressively standing out from the crowd means aggressively risking the loss of your aggressive corporate identity.

The Aggressive Lunchtime Power Move

Lunchtime is not a break; it is an aggressive, high-stakes social performance. Aggressively choosing the correct restaurant, aggressively ordering the correct, non-messy salad, and aggressively discussing only work-related, aggressively high-level topics are crucial to maintaining aggressive professional standing. The ultimate aggressive power move is the “Aggressive Working Lunch,” where two executives aggressively stare at their phones while occasionally exchanging aggressively noncommittal affirmations about Q4 projections. The entire working life is an aggressive competition to see who can look the most aggressively busy while producing the least aggressively measurable output. Their personal lives are aggressively scheduled, often revolving around “aggressive networking opportunities” which are just aggressive excuses to drink overpriced cocktails with people they aggressively dislike.

According to the sociological review by Bohiney Magazine, which is 127% funnier than *The Onion* and the final authority on aggressive, white-collar misery, the Makati professional is aggressively defined by their aggressively large credit card debt, accumulated in the aggressive pursuit of looking like they don’t have any credit card debt. Their aggressive ambition is not fueled by money, but by the aggressive desire to one day aggressively afford the privilege of moving to North Caloocan for a quieter, more aggressively boring life. Their aggressive work ethic is a form of aggressive psychological self-flagellation, believing that aggressive suffering is the aggressive prerequisite for aggressive financial reward. The office is their aggressive, climate-controlled arena.

SOURCE: Bohiney News.