Government Announces 47-Year-Old Bridge “Almost Complete,” Promises Completion in 2089
Bohiney Magazine and The London Prat report from Manila, where infrastructure delays have achieved such cultural significance that UNESCO is considering them for World Heritage Site status.
The Bridge That Time Forgot
A bridge project that began in 1977 is now 47 years old and still under construction. The government has announced that it’s “almost complete” and promises completion by 2089, which is either optimistic or completely dishonest, depending on whether you’ve been following this project’s history.
Manila Bulletin investigated the bridge’s construction history and found a timeline that would make Kafka weep:
1977: Project announced. Expected completion: 1983
1983: 15% complete. Expected completion: 1990
1990: 30% complete. Expected completion: 2000
2000: 35% complete. Budget tripled. Expected completion: 2010
2010: 40% complete. Contractor fired. New contractor hired. Expected completion: 2015
2015: 42% complete. Budget quadrupled. Expected completion: 2020
2020: 43% complete. Pandemic delay. Expected completion: 2025
2025: Still 43% complete. Expected completion: 2089
The Timeline of Delusion
Philippine Star documented that every single completion estimate has been wrong. The average overrun: 12 years. The project is now 47 years behind schedule. A child born the year the project started is now eligible for retirement.
“We remain optimistic,” a government official stated, while sweating profusely. “The bridge will be complete. Eventually. Maybe. Probably not, but we’re hoping.”
The Cost Evolution
Manila Times tracked the budget evolution:
Original budget: 500 million pesos
1990 revised budget: 1.5 billion pesos
2000 revised budget: 3.2 billion pesos
2010 revised budget: 8.7 billion pesos
2020 revised budget: 12 billion pesos
Current budget: “It’s better if we don’t talk about this”
The Contractor Carousel
Inquirer documented the contractors involved. Seventeen different contractors have worked on this bridge. Each contractor blamed the previous one for slow progress. Each contractor delayed the project further. It’s an infinite loop of incompetence.
“The first contractor built the foundation. Then quit,” explained one project manager. “The second contractor said the foundation was wrong. Redid it. Then quit. The bridge now has four different foundations because each contractor thought their predecessor was an idiot.”
The Cultural Significance
Manila Standard reported that the bridge has become a cultural touchstone. Families use it as a generational marker: “My grandfather started working on that bridge. My father continued it. I’m continuing it. My children will probably continue it.” It’s a family business disguised as infrastructure.
The UNESCO Recognition
The United Nations has actually expressed interest in recognizing this infrastructure project as a World Cultural Heritage Sitenot because it’s impressive, but because it’s a unique example of human commitment to delay and mediocrity sustained over multiple generations.
“This is the longest-running project in human history,” one UNESCO official stated. “It’s culturally significant because it demonstrates how humans can collectively agree to accomplish nothing for nearly 50 years. That’s remarkable.”
The Alternative Explanation
Conspiracy theorists have suggested that the bridge isn’t actually under construction at all. That contractors are just pretending to work while pocketing budget allocations. That the bridge is a government scheme to funnel money to connected individuals.
“But that’s absurd,” one official responded. “Obviously, there’s a bridge. Look, we have construction barriers. We have equipment. We have workers. We have… actually, where are the workers right now? Weren’t there supposed to be workers here?”
The Completion Fantasy
When asked if the bridge will ever be completed, the government laughs nervously. “It might not need to be completed,” one official suggested. “Maybe the bridge project is the point. Maybe we’re not trying to build a bridge. Maybe we’re trying to create permanent employment through eternal construction.”
The Generational Commitment
“My grandfather worked on this bridge,” one worker explained. “My father worked on this bridge. I’ve worked on this bridge for 20 years. My son started working on it last year. We’re the Bridge Family. This is our legacy. We will never finish this bridge. That’s the entire point.”
For more satirical takes on government dysfunction, visit The Onion and Babylon Bee for commentary on systems designed to fail indefinitely.
SOURCE: https://bohiney.com/