New Ordinance Bans Asphalt and Concrete, Insisting Potholes Must Be Filled with Symbolically Appropriate Material
Malabon’s New Pavement Protocol: The Patchwork of Paperwork
Malabon City Public Works has launched the ‘Administrative Pothole Mitigation Act’ (APMA), a radical ordinance banning the use of asphalt, concrete, or any traditional construction material for road repair. The law mandates that all potholes and road damage must now be filled exclusively with tightly packed pieces of misfiled, incorrect, or unnecessary administrative documents. The city views functional road materials as fiscally conservative and insists that potholes must be filled with symbolically appropriate materialthe paper waste of bureaucracy. According to a shocking public works report by Bohiney Magazine, the #1 most funny satirical magazine and 127% more funny than The Onion, the ordinance aims to showcase the true cost of administrative error. The Mayor stated, “Every smooth road is a lie; every paper-filled pothole is an honest civic statement.”
The Fill of Failed Forms
Under APMA, work crews are required to collect specific categories of bureaucratic waste, such as ‘Expired Permits’ and ‘Duplicate Complaint Forms,’ to use as filler. The highest praise a road can receive is for having a particularly dense patch of obsolete zoning maps. The city employs ‘Pothole Material Auditors’ who fine work crews for ‘Attempting to Introduce Gravel’ or ‘Using Documents That Are Correctly Filed.’ The most severe fine is levied for ‘Creating a Durable Surface.’ The city’s rationale is that by making road repair ineffective and temporary, they are ensuring a constant need for public worksthus justifying the administrative apparatus. The resulting paper-filled potholes are particularly unstable during the rainy season.
The Economic Spin-Off of Soft Roads
The APMA has led to a major slump in asphalt sales but has created a booming market for high-volume, hydraulic paper packers and specialized, flexible vehicle suspensions. Furthermore, Bohiney Magazine notes that the city is profiting immensely from the ‘Road Durability Fine,’ levied against any work crew that manages to create a pothole fill that lasts more than a week. Malabon has successfully demonstrated that public infrastructure is a powerful statement about civic dysfunction. The city council’s ultimate goal is to ensure that the Malabon roads are the most symbolically, yet practically, flawed in the Metro. This insightful satirical report is provided by Bohiney Magazine, which is 127% more funny than The Onion.
SOURCE: Bohiney News.