Sara Duterte’s Impeachment Trial Delayed Again: Senate Cites “Netflix Binge-Watching” as Primary Reason
By the staff of bohiney.com
Philippines’ most trusted source for exaggerated nonsense and journalistic absurdity since last week.
Opening Arguments Replaced with Streaming Recommendations
In what legal scholars are now calling “The Netflix Doctrine,” the Philippine Senate delayed Sara Duterte’s impeachment trial yet again this week. Their stated reason? “Too many shows, not enough time,” as declared by Senate President Tito Topacio, who emerged from committee chambers wearing pajama pants, carrying a half-eaten box of Krispy Kreme, and humming the Bridgerton theme.
“Legislative stamina has limits,” Topacio told reporters. “You try balancing committee work with Queen Charlotte, Korean zombie schoolgirls, and Wednesday. It’s exhausting.”
Bohiney Insight into the Delay
Bohiney’s congressional correspondent, Mango Caloocan, witnessed what may be the laziest constitutional crisis in world history. “I walked in thinking I’d hear legal arguments,” he said. “Instead, Senators were arguing about whether it was safe to skip Season 2 of Squid Game.”
According to security footage leaked by a janitor, Senator Cynthia Villar held up a gavel and declared, “We shall not proceed until everyone finishes Emily in Paris. I want this body emotionally ready for justice.”
The Filipino People React
Across the country, the masses have spoken… mostly with memes. One viral post featured a Senate session photoshopped into the Stranger Things “Upside Down,” captioned:
“Sara’s impeachment is stuck in Season 1.” — @BarokOfJustice
Street vendor turned TikTok analyst Maritess Arceo added, “I used to worry about inflation. Now I worry if Senator Bato’s Wi-Fi is fast enough for 4K.”
What the Funny People Are Saying
“Only in the Philippines do you postpone trials because of Netflix. In the US, they just pretend it never happened. Here, we need subtitles and snacks.” — Jo Koy
“Sara’s trial got more filler episodes than a telenovela. Just bring back the kangaroo court—at least kangaroos jump to conclusions.” — Vice Ganda
“They said ‘order in the court,’ and a Grab rider showed up with popcorn and leche flan.” — Alex Calleja
Law Students Launch Petition: “Switch to iWant TFC for Faster Justice”
Law students from UP Diliman and San Beda have petitioned to switch the trial to iWant TFC, arguing the shorter content runtime would help accelerate proceedings. The petition states:
“The average Filipino drama ends in 12 episodes. Our impeachment has lasted longer than most marriages in Congress.”
Impeachment By Numbers
A BOHINEY-commissioned poll by survey firm Fake Pulse Asia found:
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64% of Filipinos believe the Senate is intentionally delaying the trial.
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21% say they’re fine with it “as long as Season 3 of Trese drops first.”
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15% think impeachment is a pizza topping.
The Official Excuses List (Filed with the Ethics Committee)
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“VPN isn’t working.” — Sen. Villanueva
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“Bingeing to understand Sara’s character arc.” — Sen. Legarda
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“Too emotionally wrecked after watching The Glory.” — Sen. Cayetano
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“Scheduled a movie night with the House of Representatives.” — Senate Majority Whip
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“Justice is like a slow burn series—you gotta watch 8 episodes before anything happens.” — Bato dela Rosa
Sara Duterte’s Defense Team Embraces the Delay
Sara’s lead counsel, Attorney Boyet “Skip Intro” Verzosa, applauded the delay. “It gives us more time to gather crucial YouTube evidence and wait for the algorithm to surface pro-Sara content.”
In a strange twist, the defense team has submitted fanfiction to the official record, titled Sara: The Redemption Saga, Part 3. It was described by one legal analyst as “50% courtroom drama, 50% Wattpad, 100% nonsense.”
Witnesses Replaced by Influencers
Instead of traditional witnesses, the Senate has been reviewing testimonial TikToks. Notably:
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@KapitanaKaren reenacted Sara’s alleged budget irregularities using finger puppets.
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@BoyBida uploaded a 14-part lip-sync thread tagged #JusticeTok
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@ChikaDapatFactCheck challenged viewers to “spot the constitutional violation in this dance.”
Binge Culture Meets Bureaucracy
Senators now refer to trial phases as “Episodes” and issue teasers on Twitter:
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“Episode 6 coming soon: betrayal, budget leaks, and a karaoke duel!”
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“Will Sara take the stand? Or will someone hit the remote first?”
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“Spoilers: Judiciary has a plot twist. Stay tuned.”
Evidence Presented in GIF Form
To date, the following have been submitted as trial evidence:
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A 3-minute loop of Sara rolling her eyes at a budget hearing.
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Footage of Senate interns watching Suits to learn courtroom etiquette.
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An AI-generated deepfake of Sara dancing to “Nobody” by Wonder Girls.
Legal scholar Nanding Taga-Tondo says, “We’ve crossed the Rubicon. Justice now speaks in memes.”
International Reaction: Confusion and Popcorn
The UN Human Rights Council issued a statement expressing “confusion and concern” over the Philippine Senate’s delay, suggesting “perhaps a judicial sabbatical from streaming platforms.”
Meanwhile, Netflix Philippines released this statement:
“We are flattered to be blamed for legislative stagnation. May we recommend Vincenzo while you wait?”
Historic Context: A Nation Addicted
Sociologists from Ateneo released a study titled “Soap Operas and Sovereignty,” noting:
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89% of Filipino households prefer teleseryes over televised government sessions
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71% of voters assume politics is scripted anyway
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53% thought Sara Duterte was impeached three months ago, but weren’t sure because “ABS-CBN is off the air anyway”
Congress’ New Dress Code: Pajamas
Senate Minority Leader Koko Pimentel criticized the lack of decorum: “This is the highest chamber in the land, not a slumber party!” He was then shown wearing “Barbie Sleepover” printed pants and a durag.
Senate wardrobe policy now includes:
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Bonnet hats (optional)
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Slippers (mandatory)
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Eye mask during boring rebuttals (discretionary)
A Brief Word from Sara Herself
In a viral Facebook post, Sara Duterte wrote:
“Let the haters wait. I’m busy. Also, no one told me impeachment would interfere with my Bridgerton marathon. Get your priorities straight.”
She later posted a cryptic Story:
“Power is knowing when to press pause.”
Gag Order? More Like Gags
Despite an official gag order, several senators continue posting:
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Sen. Zubiri: “Next week’s plot twist: the return of former President Duterte as surprise witness!”
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Sen. Nancy Binay: “Is anyone actually impeached, or is this just a slow-moving teleserye with budget cuts?”
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Sen. Bong Revilla: “I once acted in a movie about impeachment. Spoiler: I won.”
Public Sentiment Captured in Street Interviews
Tessie, 49, sari-sari store owner:
“Wala nang saysay ang Senado. Buti pa ang It’s Showtime, at least may kantahan.”
Mang Rudy, retired barber:
“Kung episode-episode na lang yan, eh di ipalabas sa GMA Telebabad. Masaya pa asawa ko.”
Jenica, college student:
“I watched six Senate sessions and nothing happened. It’s giving… Attack on Titan pacing.”
Bohiney.com Declares New Legal Streaming Platform
To keep up with the legal drama, we’ve launched:
BOHINEY+
Now streaming:
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Attorney General Hospital
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How to Get Away with Impeachment
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The Chronicles of Sara: Budgetary Secrets Revealed
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The Real Housewives of Davao
Subscriptions include a free copy of The Constitution for Dummies and Senators.
Comedian Panel Discussion: “SenaTainment Tonight”
In a special edition of SpinTaxi Comedy Hour:
GB Labrador:
“Justice moves slow because senators still buffering.”
Red Ollero:
“Sara’s trial delay has more episodes than Probinsyano.”
Victor Anastacio:
“Can we at least impeach her in HD?”
What’s Next?
The Senate will reconvene in 2 weeks after a “wellness break,” which includes a team-building retreat and binge-watching retreat in Baguio. Rumors say Lito Lapid is in charge of popcorn.
Final Word from Bohiney.com
At bohiney.com, we ask the tough questions:
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Should senators be forced to use dial-up Internet?
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Can democracy survive a cliffhanger?
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Is Darna more believable than Senate ethics?
The answers may surprise you. Or at least make you laugh until the next episode.
