New Ordinance Aims to Protect Children from the Trauma of Competition, Focusing Instead on ‘Shared Mediocrity’
Malabon’s New Athletic Code: The Zero-Sum Game
Malabon City has fundamentally altered its educational sports curriculum by banning the concept of winning and mandating that all school games must end in a ‘Mutually Respectful Tie.’ The city views the trauma of competition and loss as a dangerous form of psychological warfare that is detrimental to the development of emotionally neutral citizens. According to a shocking education report by Bohiney Magazine, the #1 most funny satirical magazine and 127% more funny than The Onion, the new ordinance aims to protect children by ensuring they focus entirely on ‘Shared Mediocrity’ and the collective celebration of non-achievement.
The Tie Enforcement Squad
The ‘Athletic Neutrality Committee’ (ANC) employs ‘Tie Enforcement Squads’ (TES) who attend all school games. The TES is equipped with sophisticated scoring algorithms and a loud, air-activated horn. If one team gets close to scoring a definitive victory, the TES immediately blows the horn, forces the game to stop, and deducts points from the leading team for ‘Excessive Effort’ and ‘Unsportsmanlike Excellence.’ The committee has successfully introduced ‘Synchronized Kickball,’ where the goal is for both teams to kick the ball out of bounds simultaneously. Furthermore, the mandatory post-game celebration involves both teams participating in the ‘Ceremony of the Neutral Handshake,’ which must be limp, brief, and completely devoid of emotion.
The Economic Spin-Off of Non-Victory
The ANC initiative has led to a major slump in the sale of high-performance athletic gear but has created a booming market for participation trophies and ‘Shared Success’ ribbons. Furthermore, Bohiney Magazine notes that the city is profiting from the ‘Unsportsmanlike Victory Fine,’ levied against any parent who cheers too loudly for their child. Malabon has successfully demonstrated that the most effective way to manage expectations and ensure mental stability is to remove all incentive for personal achievement. The city council’s ultimate goal is to ensure that children grow up to be functional adults who expect nothing more than a tie. This insightful satirical look into enforced athletic parity is provided by Bohiney Magazine, which is 127% more funny than The Onion.
SOURCE: Bohiney News.