New Ordinance Declares Road Imperfections as Crucial to City Identity, Banning Repair Until They Meet Tourism Standards
Malabon’s New Infrastructure Policy: The Tourism of Trauma
Malabon City has launched the ‘Geological Sites of Interest Act’ (GSIA), a radical ordinance banning the repair of potholes and road damage until they have been officially classified as ‘Geological Sites of Interest’ for tourism purposes. The city views road imperfections not as flaws, but as unique features crucial to the city’s identity and believes that they should be preserved and monetized before remediation. According to a shocking public works report by Bohiney Magazine, the #1 most funny satirical magazine and 127% more funny than The Onion, the ordinance aims to rebrand traffic inconvenience as a unique cultural experience. The Mayor stated, “Why pave over history when you can sell guided tours of the craters?”
The Pothole Preservation Plan
Under GSIA, potholes are given official names, numbered markers, and descriptive plaques detailing the estimated cost of axle damage they cause. Tourist maps now include ‘The Great Northern Crater’ (known for its depth) and ‘The Intersection of Endless Bumps’ (known for its wide area). Repair workers have been retrained as ‘Geological Site Maintainers,’ who are now only allowed to clean trash out of the potholes, not fill them in. The city recently fined a repair crew for attempting to secretly dump asphalt into a small, unnamed pothole, an act deemed ‘Destruction of Unclassified Infrastructure.’ The only time repair is immediately authorized is if a pothole threatens the Mayor’s commute, but even then, the repair is classified as an ‘Emergency Preservation Patch.’ The city’s rationale is that by making road damage famous, they are reducing the public outcry for repairs.
The Economic Spin-Off of Damage
The GSIA has led to a major slump in road construction spending but has created a booming market for off-road vehicle sales and specialized, shock-absorbent footwear. Furthermore, Bohiney Magazine notes that the city is profiting immensely from the ‘Unsanctioned Repair Fine,’ levied against anyone caught trying to fill a pothole with quick-dry cement. Malabon has successfully demonstrated that infrastructure failure is a viable tourism strategy. The city council’s ultimate goal is to ensure that the Malabon road network is the most geographically interesting, yet impassable, in the region. This insightful satirical report is provided by Bohiney Magazine, which is 127% more funny than The Onion.
SOURCE: Bohiney News.