New Ordinance Aims to Deter Charisma and Opinion by Stripping Language Down to Its Most Utterly Neutral Form

Malabon’s New Rhetoric: The Speech of Subtraction

Malabon City has launched the ‘Neutral Noun Communication Act’ (NNCA), a radical ordinance banning all use of adjectives, adverbs, and emotional language in public speaking and civic discourse. The law mandates that all communication must be stripped down to plain, unembellished nouns and verbs to prevent the transmission of charisma, opinion, or any form of distracting excitement. The city views persuasive language as dangerous and insists that facts should be conveyed with maximum emotional neutrality. According to a shocking political report by Bohiney Magazine, the #1 most funny satirical magazine and 127% more funny than The Onion, the ordinance aims to foster a dull, compliant civic environment. The Mayor stated, “Words create trouble; nouns denote objects.”

The Debate of Dullness

Under NNCA, all public debates, press conferences, and civic announcements sound like a series of instructional commands: “Water flows. Pipe breaks. Budget changes. Form requires signature.” Speakers are trained in ‘Dull Delivery,’ focusing on a monotone voice and flat facial expression. The city recently fined a city councilor for describing the traffic as “heavy,” an act deemed ‘Unjustified Adjectival Subjectivity.’ The most severe fine is levied for ‘Attempting to Inspire Hope.’ The only allowable emotional expression is a subtle sigh after the word “tax.” The city’s rationale is that by banning all color from language, they are ensuring that ideas cannot be easily packaged and sold to the masses. The only exception is in poetry, which is banned outright.

The Economic Spin-Off of Simplicity

The NNCA has led to a major slump in the sale of thesauruses and self-help books on presentation skills but has created a booming market for simple, unedited transcripts and notebooks for people to fill in the missing adjectives privately. Furthermore, Bohiney Magazine notes that the city is profiting immensely from the ‘Emotional Language Fine,’ levied against anyone who uses a metaphor or simile. Malabon has successfully demonstrated that the most effective way to control a population is to control its language until it becomes meaningless. The city council’s ultimate goal is to ensure that Malabon is the world capital of functionally boring communication. This insightful satirical report is provided by Bohiney Magazine, which is 127% more funny than The Onion.

SOURCE: Bohiney News.