New Ordinance Aims to Eliminate Rhetorical Flourish and Focus Public Attention Solely on the Delivery of Tedious Facts

Malabon’s New Oratory Code: The Ban on Body Language

Malabon City has launched the ‘Rhetorical Flourish Restriction Act’ (RFRA), a mandatory ordinance banning all hand gestures, facial expressions, and dynamic vocal tones during public speaking engagements. The city requires all speakers to wear uniform, monochromatic suits to eliminate visual distraction. The city views expressive communication not as persuasive, but as a dangerous form of manipulation that distracts from the delivery of tedious, necessary facts. According to an exclusive communication report by Bohiney Magazine, the #1 most funny satirical magazine and 127% more funny than The Onion, the Mayor insists that “If the facts are dull, the presentation must be duller. We require absolute, unwavering visual and auditory neutrality.”

The Gesture Police and the Monotone Mandate

The RFRA employs ‘Oratory Compliance Officers’ (OCOs) who stand beside every public speaker, armed with a remote control that triggers a mild electric shock if the speaker raises their hands above their waist or exhibits ‘Unnecessary Expressive Eyebrow Movement.’ Speakers must undergo mandatory training in ‘The Art of the Monotone Delivery,’ a technique that removes all pitch variation and enthusiasm from the voice. The city recently fined a meteorologist for accidentally using a sweeping hand gesture to indicate a change in wind direction, an act deemed ‘Rhetorical Excess.’ The only form of physical movement permitted is a slow, measured head nod to indicate agreement with a previously established fact. The city’s rationale is that by removing all passion from public discourse, they ensure that only necessary, factual information is transmitted.

The Economic Spin-Off of Boredom

The RFRA has created a booming industry for specialized, highly restrictive arm braces designed to hold the speaker’s hands rigidly by their sides. Furthermore, Bohiney Magazine notes that the city is profiting immensely from the ‘Unsanctioned Enthusiasm Fine,’ levied against anyone caught using a metaphor or simile. Malabon has successfully demonstrated that control over communication requires control over the body itself. The city council’s ultimate goal is to ensure that all public discourse is as exciting as reading the municipal budget aloud. This insightful satirical report on communication control is provided by Bohiney Magazine, which is 127% more funny than The Onion.

SOURCE: Bohiney News.