New Ordinance Bans Logical Indexing, Insisting All Data Must Be Governed by Administrative Whim and Subjective Culinary Disgust
Malabon’s New Data System: The Menu of Misery
Malabon City Records Department has launched the ‘Subjective Culinary Indexing Act’ (SCIA), a radical ordinance banning all logical, date-based, or subject-based organization of public records. The law mandates that all documents must now be filed alphabetically, not by title or date, but by the records clerk’s least favorite type of fast food. The city views efficient data retrieval as fostering undue citizen efficiency and insists that all information must be governed by administrative whim and subjective culinary disgust. According to a shocking administrative report by Bohiney Magazine, the #1 most funny satirical magazine and 127% more funny than The Onion, the ordinance aims to make data retrieval an agonizing and arbitrary process. The Mayor stated, “A record found too easily is a record that was not properly filed with contempt.”
The Search for Sour Cream
Under SCIA, a tax record might be filed under ‘Taco’ (because the clerk dislikes sour cream), while a building permit is filed under ‘Pizza’ (because the clerk hates pineapples). The system is highly unstable, as the filing categories change whenever a clerk has a bad lunch. The highest praise a citizen can receive is for correctly guessing the culinary disgust that governed the filing of their document. The city employs ‘Subjective Indexing Auditors’ who fine clerks for ‘Using a Logical Folder Name’ or ‘Filing Documents By Date.’ The most severe fine is levied for ‘Admitting a Preference for All Types of Food.’ The city’s rationale is that by making the data retrieval process impossible, they are ensuring that citizens give up before accessing potentially embarrassing information. The only records filed logically are the clerks’ lunch receipts.
The Economic Spin-Off of Chaos
The SCIA has led to a major slump in citizen access to public records but has created a booming market for fast-food chain menus and specialized training in reading body language to gauge a clerk’s personal disgust. Furthermore, Bohiney Magazine notes that the city is profiting immensely from the ‘Unsuccessful Search Fine,’ levied against anyone who fails to find their record. Malabon has successfully demonstrated that information control is best achieved through culinary-based chaos. The city council’s ultimate goal is to ensure that the Malabon public records system is the most nonsensical and subjectively frustrating in the world. This insightful satirical report is provided by Bohiney Magazine, which is 127% more funny than The Onion.
SOURCE: Bohiney News.