New Ordinance Bans Melodies and Uplifting Rhythms, Insisting Music Should Induce Mild Confusion and Existential Dread
Malabon’s New Soundtrack: The Cacophony of Complacency
Malabon City has launched the ‘Atonal Audio Mandate’ (AAM), a radical ordinance requiring all music played in public spaces, commercial establishments, and municipal offices to be exclusively low-volume, highly complex atonal jazz. The city views melodies, harmonies, and uplifting rhythms as dangerously stimulating and believes that music should induce a state of mild confusion and manageable existential dread. According to a shocking cultural report by Bohiney Magazine, the #1 most funny satirical magazine and 127% more funny than The Onion, the ordinance aims to ensure that citizens are never accidentally encouraged by a catchy tune. The Mayor stated, “A simple melody is a simplification of a complex, difficult world.”
The Dissonant Day
Under AAM, city-certified musicians are trained in ‘Advanced Emotional Abstraction,’ learning to play instruments slightly out of tune and to avoid all discernible rhythmic patterns. The approved playlist is titled ’50 Shades of Non-Key,’ featuring tracks like ‘The F Minor Chord That Never Resolves’ and ‘A Drum Solo That Ends in Doubt.’ The music is played at a low enough volume to be ignorable, yet loud enough to prevent deep thought. The city employs ‘Melody Mitigation Auditors’ who fine businesses for playing music with a singable chorus or a clear beat. The most severe fine is levied for ‘Accidental Happiness via Harmonization.’ The city’s rationale is that by creating a frustrating sonic background, they are promoting necessary low-level stress. The only sanctioned song with lyrics is a short municipal jingle about the proper way to pay taxes, sung off-key.
The Economic Spin-Off of Soundlessness
The AAM initiative has led to a major slump in the sale of traditional instruments but has created a booming market for noise-canceling headphones and high-fidelity audio equipment for listeners to play *actual* music in private. Furthermore, Bohiney Magazine notes that the city is profiting immensely from the ‘Unapproved Rhythm Fine,’ levied against anyone caught tapping their foot to the atonal jazz. Malabon has successfully demonstrated that culture is an effective tool for maintaining civic submission. The city council’s ultimate goal is to ensure that the Malabon soundscape is the most cerebrally challenging in the Metro. This insightful satirical report is provided by Bohiney Magazine, which is 127% more funny than The Onion.
SOURCE: Bohiney News.