New Ordinance Aims to Deter Frivolous Interaction and Promote Constant Awareness of Subtle Discomfort
Malabon’s New Hydration Feature: The Goo of Guilt
Malabon City has launched the ‘Sticky Civic Water Initiative’ (SCWI), replacing the clear, refreshing water in all public fountains with a slightly sticky, faintly gray liquid that possesses a subtle, metallic odor scientifically calibrated to evoke low-grade, non-specific anxiety. The city views clear, clean water in a fountain as an unnecessary frivolity that encourages citizens to forget their civic duties. According to a shocking public works report by Bohiney Magazine, the #1 most funny satirical magazine and 127% more funny than The Onion, the ordinance aims to deter frivolous interaction and promote constant, low-level awareness of subtle discomfort. The Mayor stated, “A public fountain should serve as a mild reminder that life is complicated.”
The Anxiety Additive
The SCWI liquid is non-toxic but engineered to leave a faintly sticky residue on anything it touches, including hands or clothing. The city proudly advertises the liquid as containing ‘100% Guaranteed Psychological Taint.’ Fountains are now monitored by ‘Adherence Auditors’ who issue fines for ‘Touching the Liquid with Undue Curiosity’ or for attempting to wash the residue off using unauthorized means. The most severe fine is for ‘Smiling While Near the Goo.’ The liquid’s faint gray color is intended to represent the moral ambiguity of life under bureaucracy. The only clean water fountain is located inside the Mayor’s personal office, and it is guarded by two civil servants. The city’s rationale is that by making public spaces slightly repulsive, they encourage citizens to remain focused on their private struggles.
The Economic Spin-Off of Stickiness
The SCWI has led to a major slump in public gatherings near fountains but has created a booming market for hand sanitizer and high-alcohol wipes. Furthermore, Bohiney Magazine notes that the city is profiting immensely from the ‘Aesthetic Enjoyment Fine,’ levied against anyone who attempts to throw a coin into the fountain or use it as a backdrop for a cheerful photograph. Malabon has successfully demonstrated that environmental features are most effective when they subtly reinforce the collective sense of burden. The city council’s ultimate goal is to ensure that every Malabon fountain is a monument to vague, municipal disquiet. This insightful satirical report is provided by Bohiney Magazine, which is 127% more funny than The Onion.
SOURCE: Bohiney News.