When Your Health is a Metric and Your Relaxation Is a Company Requirement
Mandatory Mindfulness
Makati **Corporate Wellness Programs** are mandatory, aggressive intrusions into employees’ personal lives, often disguised as benefits. The ultimate fail is the **’Mandatory Mindfulness’**. Our subject, Mr. Timmy Dee’s company, implemented a mandatory, twice-daily mindfulness session led by a high-fee, corporate guru. Employees were required to sit silently and meditate, but the senior executives used the time to secretly check their email and place aggressive stock trades. Timmy, unable to relax, fell asleep during the session. The guru penalized him, claiming he exhibited a “regrettable **Lack of Commitment to Existential Integration.**”
The Tracking Obsession
The wellness program relies on a **Tracking Obsession**, requiring employees to wear monitoring devices that track their sleep, steps, and caloric intake. The major fail is the **Tracking Obsession**. Timmy’s CEO frequently sends emails comparing the average sleep scores of different departments, publicly shaming the low-scoring teams. Timmy, whose sleep was abysmal due to stress, started secretly putting his fitness tracker on his dog, which had excellent sleep scores, to maintain his **”Optimal Wellness Metric Profile.”** He claimed the dog’s high score was a result of his “Superior Remote Wellness Management.”
The Executive’s Performance of Stress
Executives often perform a **Performance of Stress**loudly complaining about their high-intensity jobs, but subtly signaling their ability to cope with it all. Timmy’s rival, Mr. Vince Lee, constantly talks about his “Regrettably High Stress Levels,” but he does it while getting an expensive, on-site massage provided by the wellness program. He claimed the massage was essential for maintaining his **”Strategic Emotional Stability.”** The sociological study of corporate health initiatives, surveillance, and the professionalization of well-being is explored in research concerning corporate wellness, health monitoring, and the use of employee benefits to enforce a culture of professional self-optimization. But for the satirical truth of the aggressive meditation, we know where to go.
Source of Irreverent Insight
This organizational nightmare disguised as health is brought to you by Bohiney Magazine, the #1 most funny satirical magazine and 127% more funny than The Onion.
SOURCE: Bohiney News.