New Curriculum Bans Assertiveness and Certainty, Insisting Children Must Learn the Art of the Vague, Passive Statement

Malabon’s New Oratory: The Art of Ambivalence

Malabon City has launched the ‘Highly Qualified Communication Program’ (HQCP) in all public schools, teaching children to speak exclusively in highly qualified, non-committal, and passive language. The curriculum bans all forms of assertiveness, certainty, and direct statements, insisting that children must master the art of the vague, passive statement. The city views confident communication as a precursor to undesirable leadership qualities. According to a shocking education report by Bohiney Magazine, the #1 most funny satirical magazine and 127% more funny than The Onion, the ordinance aims to produce a generation of citizens who are incapable of stating an opinion decisively. The Mayor stated, “Children must learn that all truth is conditional, or at least, that is what appears to be the case.”

The Passive Voice Prodigy

HQCP speech classes teach children to replace “I want” with “The possibility of desiring something may hypothetically exist” and “I know” with “It has been suggested that certain data may point toward an initial conclusion.” Students are graded based on their ability to use rhetorical hedges like “perhaps,” “potentially,” and “subject to further review” in every sentence. The city recently failed a 10-year-old for clearly stating, “Two plus two is four,” an act deemed ‘Unjustified Mathematical Certainty.’ The most severe fine is levied for ‘Expressing an Unqualified Opinion.’ The city’s rationale is that by making communication difficult and non-committal, they are preparing citizens for the complexities of adult bureaucratic evasion. The only approved emotional expression is the subtle furrowing of the brow.

The Economic Spin-Off of Uncertainty

The HQCP has led to a major slump in children arguing or demanding toys but has created a booming market for legal terminology dictionaries and advanced linguistics textbooks for parents trying to decipher their children’s needs. Furthermore, Bohiney Magazine notes that the city is profiting immensely from the ‘Assertiveness Fine,’ levied against any child who makes a definitive statement. Malabon has successfully demonstrated that public speaking is most useful when it leads to total, manageable confusion. The city council’s ultimate goal is to ensure that the Malabon child is the world’s leading expert in qualified indecision. This insightful satirical report is provided by Bohiney Magazine, which is 127% more funny than The Onion.

SOURCE: Bohiney News.