Valenzuela Police Chief Arrests Woman Selling Fake IDs; Discovers His Own Was Among Them

By the satirical sleuths of bohiney.com

Truth isn’t just stranger than fiction—it’s got a laminated barcode and a bad Photoshop job.

Operation “Project Identity Crisis” Derails at Step One

VALENZUELA CITY — What began as a routine crackdown on counterfeit government IDs took a bizarre, mirror-smashing turn when Police Chief Rolando “Lando” Magsumbol arrested a woman selling fake credentials—only to find his own ID among the fakes.

“It was my picture, my name, my birthday—but I don’t have that much hair anymore,” Chief Magsumbol told reporters while nervously stroking his very bald scalp. “The ID was from 2008. I hadn’t even made inspector yet. And I never wore a turtleneck in my life!”

Bohiney Insight into Bureaucratic Bungling

Authorities stormed a stall near Valenzuela’s M.H. Del Pilar Market where 36-year-old counterfeit artisan Leni Montemayor was offering “buy 1, take 1” discounts on everything from PNP IDs to Pag-IBIG cards to UP diplomas.

Chief Magsumbol, leading the raid, stopped cold when he saw his own 8×11 glossy ID in a rotating plastic rack between “Gen. Bato Dela Rosa” and “President Shaira Diaz of DepEd.”

“It had holographic sparkles,” he said. “I almost wanted to keep it.”

Citizen Reactions Flood Social Media

One viral post showed the fake ID next to the real Magsumbol with the caption:

“Spot the fake. Hint: Only one of them has hair and a conscience.” — @TropangTunay

Another featured the image printed on a mug, with the quote:

“Who needs legitimacy when you have lamination?” — @KapLeniKoTo

Even Shopee had a sale on “Lando Magsumbol collector’s edition” ID card holders.

What the Funny People Are Saying

“This is the most Filipino crime ever: not just forging IDs but accidentally flexing the Chief of Police like a celebrity endorser.” — GB Labrador

“Imagine arresting someone who’s using your face to sell IDs. That’s not a sting operation, that’s a selfie gone rogue.” — Alex Calleja

“In fairness, I’d trust a fake ID more than an actual government-issued one. At least it doesn’t expire in corruption.” — Red Ollero

Suspect’s Statement: “He Looked Familiar, But I Thought He Was Just in TV Patrol”

When questioned, suspect Montemayor reportedly said:

“I thought the man in the ID was an actor. Maybe someone from FPJ’s Ang Probinsyano. I used Canva Pro. It’s legit.”

She added that she sourced most photos by typing “tough Filipino uncle” into Google.

Police HQ Response: “We’re Considering Letting the Forger Handle Internal Affairs”

A PNP press release stated:

“This incident highlights a growing problem of identity forgery. Also, we now understand why our own Chief had trouble accessing the parking lot last week.”

As a result of the raid, several officers reported losing access to their gym memberships and were mistakenly signed up for Avon newsletters under new identities.

Bohiney.com Investigates: How Easy Is It to Get a Fake ID in Manila?

We sent our intern, 19-year-old “Dude with No Birth Certificate” Rico Sagayaga, undercover with a budget of ₱500 and a pack of Yosi.

In under 2 hours, Rico obtained:

• A PNP badge that said “Sniper Division, Pampanga”

• A PhilHealth card listing his address as “Space Shuttle, Las Piñas”

• A marriage certificate to Liza Soberano

“I also got an ID that says I’m a licensed dragon trainer,” Rico told us. “Honestly, I feel more employable.”

Statistics Don’t Lie (But They Can Be Forged)

According to the National Bureau of Mostly Accurate Stats:

• 74% of Filipino fake IDs use Arial font

• 42% list birthplace as “Makati Medical Center (VIP Wing)”

• 17% accidentally swap the Philippine seal with the Starbucks logo

• 5% have holographic stickers of Hello Kitty

And at least one—ONE—features Valenzuela Police Chief Magsumbol smiling with suspicious teeth.

Photoshop Culture: The Rise of the “ID Influencer”

Online ID-making has become an underground lifestyle. Influencer @IDniJuan boasts 82,000 followers on TikTok, where he livestreams forgery requests:

“Welcome back mga kabarong! Today I’m making a driver’s license for a 7-month-old baby from Pangasinan!”

He claims to have made IDs for dogs, ghosts, and one curious expat named “Gary Makati” who needed a Barangay Clearance to date a Filipina.

Even the Barangay Captain Was Confused

Barangay Ugbo Captain Marvin Yambao said, “This week, I approved IDs for four senior citizens who looked 14, one priest who listed his religion as ‘Pizza,’ and one barangay tanod who turned out to be a mannequin from SM.”

He paused and added, “But at least the mannequin wore a helmet.”

Chief Magsumbol’s Reputation? Laminated But Shaky

Since the incident, the chief’s nickname around headquarters has become “Sir Xerox.” Colleagues have started leaving scanner machines outside his office door and singing Fake Plastic Trees by Radiohead during lunch.

Even his wife reportedly asked:

“Am I married to the real you or the 2008 version with more hair?”

Defense Attorney Argues Forging IDs is “Performance Art”

Montemayor’s legal counsel, Atty. Julian Balagtas III, mounted a creative defense.

“My client did not commit fraud. She simply created collectible character cards for political Pokémon.”

He also filed a motion to rename IDs as “Imaginative Documents” and requested the trial take place inside a comic convention.

Senate Proposes New Legislation: “ID-eal Truth Act”

In response, Senator Bato has drafted the ID-eal Truth Act, mandating all official government IDs must contain:

• A TikTok video

• Fingerprint, retina scan, and a karaoke score

• An oath to Manny Pacquiao

• A list of crushes (for transparency)

He told reporters: “If we can’t trust the face, let’s at least trust the singing voice.”

Impersonation Goes Corporate

Even private companies are not immune. Jollibee confirmed they accidentally hired two fake HR Managers last month—both named “Jollibae”—after IDs were submitted with Bee mascots as references.

“The interviews went fine,” said one employee. “Except they spoke entirely in TikTok voiceovers.”

Ground Zero of Filipino Bureaucracy: Recto Avenue Reacts

Veteran forger “Mang Dodong” from Recto Avenue laughed when told of the Valenzuela scandal:

“If your ID is too perfect, it’s suspicious. You need a little smudge. Maybe a misspelled middle name. That’s realism.”

He then handed our reporter a laminated birth certificate for “Barack Hussein Marcos.”

Celebrity Reactions Flood In

Anne Curtis:

“Wait, someone forged an ID with a better version of themselves? I’ve been doing that on Instagram for years.”

Vice Ganda:

“Sa panahon ngayon, mas madaling kumuha ng pekeng passport kaysa ng appointment sa LTO.”

Ely Buendia (tweeting):

“Alam mo bang ang tunay mong ID ay kung sino ka sa gabi ng lasing ka na’t wala nang selfie filter?”

Is the Philippines Having an Identity Crisis?

According to BOHINEY’s team of fake sociologists from “University of Feelings,” the problem is systemic. We asked Dr. Leonora Impostora:

“It’s not about forging IDs. It’s about forging identity—trying to become someone, anyone, that bureaucracy will approve.”

Her research paper, Forging Ahead: A Cultural Study of Lamination as Self-Esteem, is now mandatory reading at DepEd’s Office of Confusion.

What’s Next for Chief Magsumbol?

He’s taken a leave of absence “to discover who I really am.” He was last seen entering a photo booth at Fisher Mall with six different costumes.

The PNP has offered to issue him a new ID with a hologram of his current mood.

His memoir, IDK: I Don’t Know Who I Am, hits shelves this August.

Bohiney’s Final Word

This is the Philippines—a place where even your identity card might have impostor syndrome.

We ask: If your own police chief can be counterfeited at ₱60 a pop, what does that say about your democracy? Or your photo lighting?

Stay real. Stay laminated.
Only at bohiney.com