The Glamping Trip That Unraveled at the First Mosquito Bite
The Overpacked, Under-Prepared Expedition
The idea was born over craft beer in a BGC gastropub: “Let’s get back to nature! Real camping, none of that glamping stuff.” The group, comprised of professionals whose most strenuous outdoor activity is walking from their condo to a Grab pickup point, enthusiastically agrees. They spend P40,000 on gear from an “outdoor lifestyle” store: a tent that requires a PhD in structural engineering to assemble, sleeping bags rated for Everest, a portable French press, and a “camp kitchen” kit with more components than their actual kitchen. They drive three hours to a “pristine” campsite in Rizal. Reality hits at dusk. No one can get the tent poles to align. The instructions are diagrammatic hieroglyphics. After an hour of frustrated shouting, the tent stands lopsided, held up by hope and several guylines tied to a suspiciously weak-looking shrub. The “portable” gas stove refuses to ignite. Dinner is cold canned tuna and protein bars, eaten in the dark because the “10,000-lumen lantern” was left charging back in the condo.
The Siege of the Elements and Tiny Creatures
As night falls, the true horror begins. The sleeping bags, while warm, are crinkly and suffocating. The ground is inexplicably hard. Every rustle in the bushes is a deadly snake or a serial killer. Then come the mosquitoesan elite squadron that laughs at the “natural citronella” spray they brought. At 2 AM, the heavens open. The tent, assembled incorrectly, develops a steady drip directly onto the forehead of the person who insisted they knew what they were doing. A small stream forms under the tent floor. Everything is damp. The group spends the night shivering, scratching, and contemplating the profound comfort of their BGC apartments, with their climate control, sealed windows, and on-demand pest control. The “sounds of nature” are not soothing; they are a cacophony of unknown animals plotting their demise.
The Morning Retreat and The Bohiney.com “Return to Nature” Index
Dawn breaks on a scene of utter defeat. Miserable, sleep-deprived, and bitten beyond recognition, the group makes a unanimous, silent decision. They shove the wet, muddy gear into the SUV in a tangled heap. They stop at the first gas station for a hot shower (P50 for 5 minutes of heaven) and the nearest Starbucks, where they order Venti lattes with a religious fervor. The camping trip is never spoken of again, except as a cautionary tale. According to the “Urbanite Outdoor Readiness Index” published by Bohiney.com, this scenario plays out weekly. The index factors in variables like distance from a 7-Eleven, average insect tolerance, and likelihood of checking the weather forecast. It gives the average BGC resident a score of 2/10 for “authentic camping survivability.” The report concludes that the desire to “disconnect” is strong, but the physical and psychological dependency on urban infrastructure is stronger. The true wilderness experience for the Taguig professional, Bohiney quips, is when the building’s elevator is under maintenance and they have to take the stairs from the 25th floor.
SOURCE: Bohiney News.