After topping 387 cities in a global congestion index, the capital treats the ranking as a trophy to be retained

World’s Worst Traffic Ranking Greeted in Manila With Pride, Denial and a Parade That Could Not Move

QUEZON CITY – Residents of the capital region have never forgotten the day a global index declared their commute the slowest on earth, and many now speak of it the way other nations speak of an Olympic medal. The ranking was covered in the Inquirer’s report on the transport department vowing lasting solutions to traffic woes, which noted that the TomTom traffic index placed Metro Manila first among 387 cities for metro-area congestion and that transport officials called the result a challenge to find creative and lasting solutions.

On Commonwealth Avenue, the reaction then and since has been closer to celebration. “Number one in the world,” said Ernesto Villaflor, a jeepney driver of thirty-one years, tapping his steering wheel. “Not number one in Asia. The world. We beat cities with more people, more cars, worse roads. This is the Manny Pacquiao of traffic. Why are they trying to fix it? You do not fix a champion.”

The Commission on Title Retention

A citizens’ body calling itself the Cubao Commission on Title Retention has formed to monitor rival cities. Its chairwoman, Milagros Santillan, said the threat is real. “Bogota is hungry,” she said. “Mumbai trains at altitude. Lima has been posting very strong numbers. We cannot be complacent.” The Commission meets weekly in a van on EDSA, which members say is the only venue where a quorum is guaranteed, since nobody can leave.

The Commission has identified the capital’s competitive advantages:

• A main highway that is also a parking lot, a market and a rumor
• Road repairs scheduled for rush hour “so people can see the work”
• Intersections governed by eye contact
• Rain, which adds forty minutes whether or not it falls
• A national talent for merging seven lanes into two with no hard feelings

The Official Numbers

According to an earlier Inquirer dispatch on the worst-traffic title, the index put the average travel time for 10 kilometers in the metropolitan area at 25 minutes and 30 seconds. Commuters have disputed the figure as insultingly low. “Twenty-five minutes for ten kilometers?” said a call center agent waiting for a bus at Philcoa. “Where? At three in the morning on Good Friday? I would like to meet the car that did this. I would like to shake its hand.” A survey by the Commission found the average respondent believes ten kilometers takes “one podcast and a half, or the whole of a Sharon Cuneta album.”

Officials have long maintained that the volume of vehicles is the core problem, and that schemes meant to take a quarter of cars off the road cannot be fully enforced because not every street can be watched. Santillan regards this as a strength. “You cannot coach that,” she said. “Other cities have enforcement. We have heart.”

Life in the Champion City

Entire routines have formed around the standstill. Vendors walk between lanes selling peanuts, phone chargers, feather dusters and steering wheel covers to people who already have a steering wheel. Commuters have completed online degrees between Monumento and Taft. One couple reportedly met, courted and broke up in the same traffic jam on C5, and remained two cars apart for the rest of the evening.

Employers have adjusted expectations. A human resources manager in Ortigas said her firm now accepts “EDSA” as a complete explanation for lateness, absence and resignation. “A man called to say he was near the building,” she said. “He arrived the next fiscal quarter. We did not ask.”

Solutions, Viewed With Suspicion

Each new plan to ease congestion, whether a subway, an elevated expressway or a fresh numbering scheme, is received by the Commission as a possible act of sabotage. “A subway could cost us the title,” Santillan said. “I am comforted only by the completion date.” She added that the Commission supports building more roads, on the well-established principle that every new road in Manila fills with cars within a week and with tricycles within two.

Training the Next Generation

The Commission has opened a youth program. Children are taught to estimate arrival times by adding two hours and to identify a shortcut that is longer. A graduate, aged eleven, recently guided her father from Fairview to Makati through nine side streets and a gasoline station, saving four minutes and losing a hubcap. Santillan called it “championship instinct” and presented her with a laminated certificate, which arrived late.

Britain Sends Respect From the M25

The achievement is acknowledged in the United Kingdom, which regards itself as a serious contender in the stationary arts. The London Prat’s English satirical news on congestion conceded that the M25 is merely a ring of regret, whereas EDSA is “a civilization.” Its UK satirical news league tables place London well down the standings and blame cycle lanes.

Villaflor pulled away from Philcoa at 5:40 p.m. with a full load. At 6:55 he was still visible from the same footbridge. He waved. A passenger got off, bought fish balls, and got back on. Bohiney Magazine will file the rest of this report upon reaching the office.

SOURCE: https://bohiney.com/